ETTIQUETTE ~ BRITISH BEHAVIOR A-H

Etiquette

British Behavior A-H

Apologizing

For many British people, apologizing is a default reaction to life’s little irritants. IF someone barges into you, treads on your toes or spills your drink, it is considered quite normal for the victim to mutter “sorry”. This is clearly illogical, but for many British people it is an ingrained response. The urge to apologize for other people’s actions is clearly misplaced; constant, needless apologizing devalues the currency, and will lessen the impact of a genuine, heartfelt mea culpa.

A sincere apology should always be offered when your actions have had a negative impact on other people. Even if you do not fully understand why someone is so upset, respect their feelings, and accept that your actions are the root of the problem. Don’t pass the buck, or use your apology as a way of blaming someone else. Take full responsibility for your actions.

An apology will be much more persuasive if you acknowledge the fault: “I’m sorry I was so late,” is more specific than a simple “I’m sorry,” and actually recognize the other person’s grievance. Never temper your apologies with accusations or insinuations: it will negate its impact. If you have committed a real faux-pas consider sending a handwritten note – but only after you have offered a verbal apology, otherwise it will look cowardice.

If you are offered a genuine apology, acknowledge it graciously and accept it. The urge to elicit groveling self-abasement is both childish and offensive.

Chivalry

Historically, chivalry was seen as an integral, and indispensable, feature of the British ‘gentleman.’ Throughout history and literature, flawless manners and polite masculinity were the defining characteristics of the British gent.

Today, however, men face the tricky challenge of adapting traditional gestures to fit in with modern Britain’s more relaxed ways.

Chivalry may be the courteous behavior of a man towards a woman, but when is it out-dated and patronizing, and when is it appropriate and well-mannered?

New Chivalry is all about the natural gesture, striking a balance between treating a woman like a lady, but respecting her independence.

Men holding doors open for women is still a chivalrous gesture, even in our less-gallant times. If, however, a woman arrives at the door first and starts to open it, a man shouldn’t awkwardly rush in front of her with grand exclamations of “I’ll get that!” Both genders should hold doors open (and check) for people coming through behind them.
Traditionally, it was considered polite for a man to walk on the kerbside of the street. If, however, a woman naturally falls in step on the kerbside and seems comfortable with it, then it would be clumsy for him to start dodging around her to try and walk on the outside.

A man should stand up to greet a woman when she enters the room for the first time. There is no need, however, for him to be like a jack-in-the-box every time she goes to the loo, goes to get a drink and so on.

The modern British man should aim for appropriate gestures that come instinctively, rather than contrived behavior that feels out-dated and oppressive. The battle of the sexes is over and modern Britain is an egalitarian society – but there is always a time and place for good manners.

Complaining

Napoleon once opined, “When people cease to complain, they cease to think.” The British love to complain, but we’re not very good at it – our natural reticence and desire to avoid confrontation makes complaining challenging.

Although we like a good whinge, we’re more likely to moan at someone else than complain directly, through the proper channels or in a way that might actually fix the problem. At this moment in a restaurant near you, there’s a familiar scene – a  couple huddled together, comparing how salty their soup is, how cold their kedgeree, when the waiter approaches. “Everything all right here? “Oh yes, fine, thank you.” At least this form of complaining isn’t rude because its target never gets to hear the harsh words we are having such fun delivering.

If, however, you want to complain in an effective way, there are ways and means of doing so politely that will avoid temper, high blood pressure and shouting—never the best way to achieve your goal. Always pay lip service to calmly following the proper channels, and only when those are exhausted, do you smilingly ask if it is possible to see the manager, while making it obvious that you’re not leaving until something good happens.

Try if at all possible to resolve the complaint there and then rather than being fobbed off by the advice to write a letter. Remember that your adversaries are often trained in the art of customer service (a.k.a. anything but) so they are skilled in complaint deflection strategies. Rudeness merely activates these strategies, whereas politeness and an eagerness to work with them to solve your problem are often disarming.

Sometimes all you have to do is smile confidently and say, “I’m sure we can resolve this,” or subtly remind them of the reputation they have to uphold. At all times, out-do any saccharine obtuseness with extra dollops of twice-as nice from you: you will reap sweet rewards.

Countryside Roads

Certain unwritten rules of behavior, observed in the British countryside for many centuries, will ensure that you don’t enrage landowners, or endanger yourself or any wildlife during your visit to the UK.

There’s an age-old way of doing things in rural Britain, so go prepared, and be aware that it’s still the norm to greet people you encounter with a friendly “Hello.”

Stick to designated paths, especially in crop fields. When walking on a country lane or rural road, walk on the side of the road facing oncoming traffic. When rounding a bend or blind corner, move to the other side of the road to avoid head-on collision, than move back to the other side on a straight stretch.

If you are driving in the countryside be patient. Accept that country driving is slow, so sit back and enjoy the scenery. Keep to your side of the road, and don’t let reduce visibility tempt you into wandering into the oncoming lane. If you are stuck behind slow-moving tractors or agricultural machinery, resign yourself to moving slowly, and resist the temptation to flash your headlights or swing from behind. If you see a horse and rider ahead, slow down to a crawl and creep behind. When it is completely safe to overtake, pull out, giving the horse a wide berth, and drive very slowly.

Leave gates as you find them – they will be open or closed for a reason.

Take litter home with you if you can’t find a bin.

Wild or farmland animals shouldn’t be approached, and even friendly-looking dogs on leads should be given a wide berth, unless the owner invites you to pet them.

Discretion

The British have a reputation for discretion – the ‘quiet word in your ear’, the whispered aside, the mask of disinterest. In the days when life was lived in front of a flock of servants, there was an absolute expectation that the household staff would observe their employers’ comings and goings with complete sang-froid.

But discretion, once considered a great British virtue, is under threat. The barriers between public and private worlds are breaking down, and the public has a voracious appetite for television and news stories that lay lives bare, revealing every detail from embarrassing bodies to sexual pecadillos.

The merging of public and private worlds is also evident in the way that some people act when they are in public. There is a marked refusal to recognize that a mobile phone conversation, when it is held in a public place, is public property. However unwillingly, people around you are forced to become eavesdroppers and may find themselves listening to hair-raising revelations and embarrassingly frank discussions.

Take a leaf out of the book of the traditional English butler, and make a virtue of discretion. Keep your public mobile phone calls (e.g. in a train carriage) bland and brief. Avoid discussing the following: sex, bodily functions, illness and operations. Don’t have full-blooded rows. Don’t swear. Look around you – do you really want that elderly lady or small child to hear what you’re saying?

Dress Code

Special occasions in Britain often require a multitude of different dress codes.

For private events such as parties, balls, etc. the dress code will usually be stated on the invitation.

Public events – for example, Royal, Ascot, Henley Royal Regatta etc. vary in formality and the required dress code often depends on what type of ticket or enclosure badge you have.

Dress codes are strictly observed in Britain – failure to comply should be considered rude or, at worse, you would be refused entry to the event.

Ensure that you dress correctly with our essential guides to what to wear…

Black Tie – Gentlemen

Black Tie is sometimes referred to as ‘dinner jackets’, ‘dress for dinner’ and ‘cravate noir’ or in, America, as ‘tuxedos.’

Traditional Black Tie for men consists of:

*Black wool dinner jacket. Single-breasted with no vents, silk peaked lapels (or shawl collar) and covered buttons

*Black trousers – slightly tapered – with a single row of braid down each outside leg

*While Marcella evening shirt with a soft turn-down collar, worn with cufflinks and studs

*Black bow tie and hand tied; avoid novelty ties or colors

*Highly polished or patent black lace-up shoes

*Black silk socks, long enough to ensure that no leg will show between the trouser leg and sock when seated

*A white silk scarf is an optional but traditional accessory

Top Tip: cummerbunds or low cut black evening waistcoats are rarely worn nowadays.

Ladies

For ladies, a smart dress (such as a cocktail dress) is appropriate. It can be long or short, as long as it’s not too short. It need not be black.

White Tie

White Tie is the most formal, and rare, of dress codes, worn in the evening for royal ceremonies and balls. It may also be specified for formal evening weddings.

White Tie is sometimes referred to as ‘full evening dress’ or ‘cravate blanche’.

Gentlemen

Traditional White Tie for men consists of:

*Black single-breasted tail coat with silk lapels, worn unbuttoned (never to be confused with a morning coat)

*Black trousers to match the tail coat, with two lines of braid down each outside leg

*While Marcella shirt with a detachable wing collar, cufflinks and studs

*Thin, white, hand-tied Marcella bow-tie

*White Marcella evening waistcoat – double or single-breasted

*Black patent lace-up shoes and black silk socks

*In Winter, a black overcoat and white silk scarf can be worn

Top Tip: Nowadays, it is rare to wear a top hat and many see it as a pointless exercise as it is only worn en route to the event, and therefore generally goes unnoticed.

Ladies

For ladies, a long (never short), formal evening gown should be worn. Evening gloves are no longer compulsory.