ETIQUETTE ~ COLLEGE AND BEYOND ~ YOUR PLACE, YOUR ROOMMATES

Emily Post Etiquette

College and Beyond ~ You’re on your own, and it’s great!

But what do you do when your roommate never does the dishes, you don’t know what to wear to a job interview, and your friends haven’t let you know if they’re coming to your big party?

We can show you how to successfully navigate the pleasures and perils of independent life. You can browse the articles and videos below or search our site. It’s often the easiest way to find the articles you need.

If you can’t find the answer here, our books provide a complete resource for life in college and beyond.

Your Place, Your Roommates

Everything you need to know about making your home-away-from-home as comfortable as possible.

Getting Along With Roommates

Communicate

Other than a spouse, there is probably no other person in the world you will get to know as well as your roommate. Even if you bond instantly, there may be moments where your roomie’s little quirks get on your nerves. Letting things fester (in that tiny little space) can turn an annoyance into a misery. Communication – both talking and listening will be the key to a great relationship.

Stuff: Less is more

By the time you’ve managed to fit in 2 beds, the mini fridge, microwave, computer, CD-changer, and TV – will there be any room for clothes (not to mention a few books)?? There is no way you are going to duplicate all the comforts of home. The less you bring, the less you have to keep track of and maintain.

Borrowing

Rule #1 Don’t

Rule #2 If you absolutely must borrow something, always ask permission first. Return it in the promised timeframe and in the condition it was when it was borrowed. If you damage or lose something you borrow, you are responsible for replacing it. Can’t afford to replace it? See Rule #1.

Nothing causes more strife between roommates and friends than borrowing – money, food, clothes, CDs, sports equipment.

Neatness

If the law of average works, one of you will be extremely neat and the other extremely messy. Here is where you learn the great art of communication and compromise. Mom doesn’t live here, but you do. The neatnik will have to learn to tolerate life’s imperfections. The slob, well, it’s time to start picking up after yourself.

Lights Out

It’s inevitable. One of you will have an 8 AM class and the other will want to study until 2 AM. Work out routines for late night studying (is there a lounge?) late night returns (tiptoe and use a flashlight), early morning classes (tiptoe and dress in the bathroom?) Everyone needs their zzz’s.

Quiet Time

Most dorms have quiet hours. Loud music, parties, or socializing in the hall will not be appreciated by your fellow dorm-mates and are one-way ticket to unpopularity.

Irreconcilable Differences

When the course of rooming does not run smoothly, seek counsel. Your hall or dorm will have an RA (Resident Advisor) who is usually an older student or grad student – young enough to remember what it was like to be a freshman, but old enough to give good advice. Chances are you and your roomie are together for better or worse until June.

Top Five Potential War Zones at Home

Every home has land mines just waiting to blow.

We tip-toe around them: the dirty socks, the disheveled living room, the dishes, the food, the globs of toothpaste stuck in the sink like stalagmites, the late-night noise, the borrowed shirt that’s now ruined! It all becomes too much, until you just…

Can’t… take it… anymore.

Then BOOM! – There you are, standing in the living room, fists clenched, breathing heavily, eyes shifting from roommate to roommate as they look at you watchfully, trying not to make any sudden movements. Ohh-kaay, you sense each of them thinking, she’s finally cracked.

The potential for problems to arise in your home is stealthier than you might think. In particular, there are five potential war zones that you’ll need to watch out for:

*1. The kitchen

*2. The bathroom

*3. The living room

*4. Noise

*5. Other people’s stuff

The kitchen, the bathroom, and the living room make up the common spaces in your home. And in any common space (especially if you live with several other people) things can get a bit messy. This can result in one or two problems. Either you’re making the mess and leaving it for your roommates to clean up or you find you’re constantly cleaning up both your messes and theirs – in which case I say, stop! –you’re not a maid.

Tensions can also mound when you create noise at a time when your roommates need quiet, or vice versa. Borrowing other people’s stuff is another action that can really touch a nerve. You and your roommate may start out with one happy, communal closet, but the first time an item goes missing or gets ruined, the closets separate and distrust settles in.

This may sound a bit grim, I know, but don’t worry. The whole idea here is to identify potential problems before they can turn into crises. Once you do, you can then use your skills of communication, compromise, and commitment to work out a solution for living harmoniously and happily together.

The Tenant – Landlord Relationship

Holding Up Your End of the Bargain

When you hold up your end of the rental agreement—by paying your rent on time, complying with the rules your landlord has set for the apartment (smoking, pets, etc.), and staying in good favor with your neighbors – you deprive your landlord of any reason not to hold up his end of the bargain. It’s also important to treat your landlord with respect, even if you don’t think he deserves it. Acting like a jerk, either over the phone or in person, will only make him less willing to help you—and more apt to give you less than stellar service.

The Considerate Tenant

Here are a few tips for getting on your landlord’s good side:

*Pay your rent on time. Being prompt with your rent payments – having your check in his mailbox on the first of the month, if that’s what the lease calls for—shows your landlord not only that you’re living up to your agreement, but that you take this responsibility seriously.

*Respond to your landlord’s calls right away. This is a good thing to remember when dealing with anyone – but when it comes to your landlord, you want to return any calls as promptly as possible. It’ll help get the job done more quickly, plus your landlord can’t then justify his delays with the excuse that you’ve been difficult to reach.

*Be on time for meetings. Anytime you’re scheduled to meet with your landlord, either to let him into your apartment or to discuss repairs, it’s essential to be on time. If you’re on time, things will get done, and he has nothing to complain about. If you’re running late and don’t let him know, on the other hand, you risk a cancelled meeting and a ticked-off landlord.

*Clean up before your landlord drops by. If your landlord comes over and your apartment is a disaster, she’s not going to see you in the best of lights. Straightening up before she or any maintenance workers arrive does two things: First, it shows that you are responsible about caring for your living space, and second, it’s simply a considerate thing to do. I wouldn’t want to be Mr. Fix-It and have to climb over some tenant’s dirty underwear or work around a pile of week-old dirty dishes.

The Four Cardinal Rules of Borrowing

Other People’s Stuff

If you’re looking for one simple rule about borrowing, here it is: If you can’t guarantee that the item will be returned exactly as it was when you received it, don’t borrow it. Essentially, when you borrow or use someone’s things, you are taking responsibility for them.

The Four Cardinal Rules of Borrowing

*1. Discuss what is off-limits or freely usable.

*2. Don’t borrow anything without asking.

*3. You are responsible for what you borrow.

*4. Don’t lend out items you really care about.

It’s a good idea to keep track of anything you lend out. My friend Margot has a “borrowing book”. Whether the loan is clothing, books, or money, she writes down everything: who borrows them, what item is borrowed, and when it will be returned. Maybe this strikes you as overkill, but after a friend borrowed Margot’s favorite dress and $50 to pay bills – neither of which Margot saw again – she decided to keep track of who got what and when. “I don’t mind lending stuff out,” she says, “I just want to make sure I get it back.”

Couch Crashing: Friend or Freeloader?

Help! A friend of mine has been crashing in the living room of my new apartment for a week now, and shows no sign of leaving anytime soon. He says he wants to “check out the city”. How do I politely ask him to hit the road, so I can have my place (and my life) back?

This is a classic example of why you should always pin down the starting and ending dates of any visit at the time you’re setting it up. Extending an open-ended invitation (“Sure, stay at my place as long as you like!”) is just asking for trouble. Since that’s the situation, you’re stuck in, however, your best approach is to make it clear to your friend that, while you’ve enjoyed the visit, you’ll need to get back to your regular schedule soon. If necessary, mention a specific date and time: “I’m going to be starting a tough new work assignment on Monday morning. I’ll really need to have the living room free by then, so I can use it as a home office.”

If your friend still balks at leaving, offer to find him alternate accommodations: “I’d be glad to check out the rates at the Downtown Hotel – I think they’re pretty reasonable. And there’s also a youth hostel around the corner…” From the sound of your friend, the prospect of paying for accommodations should be enough to light a fire under him.

Hanging Out at Home: Setting the Ground Rules

My roommate and I had drastically different social lives. She was new to off campus living and was constantly entertaining a swarm of her on-campus pals. I, on the other hand, was in a hermit phase because of a long distance relationship and what-was-I-thinking course load. We had a long talk about the situation and here are the house rules we came up with and why:

Rule 1: Maximum Occupancy Allowed.

If one of us was planning to have more than three people over to our apartment, we had to talk it over with the other roommate.

Why? Our space was limited – and if, like me, you’re planning to settle in for a quiet night at home and seven of your roommate’s friends are commandeering the living room, things can get a little overwhelming.

Rule 2: The Right to Study Freely.

If one of us was studying, she shouldn’t have to leave the apartment to find peace and quiet. (Some people choose the opposite rule: if you need to study go to the library.)

Why? We both felt that work came before play and that friends can always hang out anywhere – whereas a place to concentrate and focus can be more difficult to come by.

Rule 3: Communicate About Workload

If one of us had a test or big paper due, we should inform the other roommate in advance, so that any socializing could be done outside the apartment.

Why? Making it known ahead of time that you’re going to need a night of peace and quiet can help offset feelings of resentment and avoid a possibly ugly confrontation. No one wants to have to yell at people to pipe down at 1 AM the night before an exam – or be the one getting yelled at, for that matter.

Rule 4: Veto Power

If one of us was on bad terms with a friend of a roommate, we agreed to inform the roommate of the uncomfortable feelings.

Why? Neither of us wanted to feel uncomfortable with a guest in our home. This didn’t mean that the guest wasn’t allowed over – just that we would try to have that person over only when our roommate was out.

Rule 5: Cleaning Up

Whoever had friends over had to clean up the place afterward – before he or she left the house. Sometimes this meant doing dishes, sometimes it meant just getting them into the sink. Always it meant straightening up the living room.

Why? Neither of us felt that it was fair to leave our roommate to deal with our mess while we were out having a good time.

Four Steps to Neighborhood Peace

Whether you live in a residential neighborhood of freestanding houses, a condo development, or a tall apartment building, it’s always to your benefit to get to know your neighbors. Unfortunately, many people fear having young people in their late teens or early twenties living next door—assuming it automatically means noise, late-night parties, and messy lawns. The solution? Get to know your neighbors – and allay their fears about you – through a few simple actions:

*1. Introduce yourself as soon as possible after you move in. Instead of viewing your neighbors from afar; never getting close enough to discover who they really are – or to let them know who you are – make it a point to introduce yourself at the first opportunity that presents itself. How hard is it to say hello? “Hi, I’m Lizzie, I just moved in next door.”

*2. Give your neighbors your telephone number. This gesture helps cement a bond. It’s a sign of trust, invitation to communicate, and an implicit promise to stay connected. Wait a minute! You’re thinking; I don’t want some old coot calling me up night and day. Don’t worry, the nutty busybody next door is the exception, not the rule. And if there’s ever a problem – say, your party got a bit louder than you realized – your neighbors will be ten times more likely to call you rather than your landlord or, worse yet, the police, if they have your phone number handy. And they won’t have it handy unless you give it to them.

*3. When you have a loud party (or a band rehearsal, or jam session, or whatever) tell your neighbors in advance. “I wanted to let you know we’re having a “Just Moved In’ barbeque on Friday night. You’re more than welcome to come over. I thought I’d tell you because we usually stay up pretty late at these things – so if we’re too loud, just give us the word and we’ll tone it down. Take care!”

*4.Smile at your neighbors. So simple, so easy, and so important. Everyone enjoys a smile – so why not send one your neighbor’s way. They may or may not smile back, but don’t let that stop you. If they’re not into reciprocating, that’s their problem, not yours.