DEBRETTS ~ WEDDINGS ~ ENGAGEMENTS AND INVITATIONS ~ ENGAGEMENTS

Debretts

Weddings

Engagements and Invitations ~ Engagements

After the excitement of the marriage proposal, the newly-engaged couple will find themselves thrown into a social whirlwind.

As soon as the engagement is announced, the news will spread fast. Some couples choose the traditional option of a formal announcement others rely on a few phone calls and word of mouth. Letters, cards and presents will soon arrive, along with congratulatory messages.

As the wedding plans start to be discussed, the couple should organize for both sets of parents to meet each other. Moreover, the engagement is the perfect reason to throw a celebratory party.

Proposals ~ Wedding Proposals

Asking For Her Hand In Marriage

It is traditional for the man to ask his future father-in-law’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage, but it is often the case today that the couple get engaged and permission is sought, as a mere formality, afterwards. Gauge how traditional the family is and respect the expectations of the bride’s father.

Practicalities

A proposal of marriage requires planning; it’s an occasion that demands once-in-a-lifetime romance that will be recalled time and time again.

*Wedding proposal ideas can be successfully simple or impressively complicated. The location should be memorable and the timing should be carefully thought through.

*It is traditional for a man to propose with an engagement ring, but many choose to propose without one and opt for a different token such as a bracelet or necklace instead. The couple than choose the ring together.

*An engagement ring should be on the bride-to-be’s finger within a reasonable time of her saying ‘yes’ to the wedding proposal.

*Remember, there can no truly offensive or wrong way to ask someone to marry you.

*If she says ‘no’ the she should offer to give the ring back – it’s up to the man if he wants to take it or not.

Leap Year Proposals

It is a tradition in Britain that in Leap Years women many propose.
It is said that in about 1288 Queen Margaret of Scotland passed a law that required that a man who refused a proposal could be fined; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown.

In 1839, Queen Victoria proposed to Prince Albert at Windsor Castle because he was of a lower social standing than her. As the Queen, she was able to ignore the Leap Year tradition, but the couple was married in 1840, which was in fact a Leap Year.

Engagement Rings

Convention dictates that a ring, most popularly a diamond, should mark an engagement. Other stones such as Sapphires and Rubies may also be chosen or used as side-settings.

It is not necessary to present an engagement ring when proposing; many people decide not to choose the ring alone. A safer option is to give a piece of jewelry – such as a bracelet – that the groom knows his fiancé will like.

However, the ring should be on her finger within a reasonable time – weeks, not months.

*It is still customary for the groom to pay for the ring; he should get the very best he can afford.

*Consider the bride’s taste, her hand shape and her realistic expectations.

*The groom may wish to select a few rings for his fiancé to choose from, or the couple may decide to look together.

*A family heirloom or antique – either a ring or a set of stones –may be cleaned, adapted, or re-set.

*If the couple chooses the ring together, a budget should be established in advance.

*Several styles should be tried; it is advisable to experiment with a range of cuts, sizes, and settings.

*Trying the engagement ring on with a wedding band – it will look different alongside another ring, rather than on a plain finger.

*Popular metals for engagement rings are: white gold, gold and platinum. The metal of a wedding band must match the metal of the engagement ring.

*Trusted or recommended jewelers should be used; listen carefully to their advice.

*Retailers will be happy to advise on the quality of stones. A diamond is valued using the ‘Four Cs’: carat, clarity, color and cut.

Insuring the Rings

Both the wedding rings and the engagement ring represent a major outlay, and therefore must be insured – the latter to the full value of the stone or stones. Jewelers’ receipts should be kept in a safe place in case a claim has to be made.

Groom’s Present

Many brides-to-be like to give a substantial present to their fiance as a way of marking the significance of the occasion. Popular choices include a watch, cufflinks, or a beautiful pen.

Diamond Guide

Most people choose a diamond engagement ring, so it is important to understand how the stones are valued using the ‘Four Cs’: carat, clarity, color and cut.

Carat

The size of the diamond. The larger the stone, the greater the carat weight and the more expensive the diamond. There are 100 points to a carat: 1 carat = 0.2g.

Clarity

The marks or inclusions in the stone. Fewer inclusions mean greater clarity, greater brilliance (sparkle) and greater value.

A diamond is viewed under 10x magnification by a professional gemologist to grade its clarity:

F = Flawless. Extremely rare, with no imperfections

IF = Internally Flawless. Rare with no internal inclusions

VVS1, VVS2 = Very, very slightly included. An excellent diamond-contains inclusions that are extremely difficult to see under magnification.

VS1, VS2 = Very slightly included. Contains small inclusions that are hard to see under magnification.

SI1, SI2 – Slightly included. Contains visible inclusions under magnification.

Color

The color of a diamond is graded alphabetically. Letters towards the beginning of the alphabet are the best diamonds, starting with D. Choose stones of H quality or higher (i.e. D, E, F, G, H.)

D,E,F: Colorless and best

G,H,I,J: Near colorless

K,L,M: Faint Yellow

N,O,P…. Z: Very light… Light Yellow

Cut

The angles and proportions of the stone. A well-cut diamond is not too shallow or too deep and allows the light to reflect off the perfectly cut facets.

The grades of cut are excellent, ideal, very good, good or fair.

The shape of a diamond is also often referred to as the cut. This does not generally affect the price – there are many different shapes to choose from.

*Round, Oval, Pear, Princess (square), Marquise (Oval with pointed ends), Emerald (Rectangular) and Asscher (Square with rounded edges) are all commonly seen.

*Round cut diamonds are the most usual and popular.

*A single diamond set alone is referred to as a solitaire.

Engagement Announcements

Announcing an engagement is a momentous step in a couple’s life. The news will travel fast, so it is essential to tell everyone at the right time.

Family should be prioritized and the parents of both bride and groom should always be the very first to hear of an engagement.

The groom may already have sought permission from the bride’s father, before he proposed, so it may not come as such a surprise.

Telephone calls to the rest of the family and close friends will follow; a round-robin email or text announcing the news is fine for everyone else. Following that, the grapevine can be relied upon to spread the word.

Some families choose to place a formal announcement in the newspaper.

The traditional practice of sending engagement announcement cards is less common nowadays.

Newspaper Announcements

Once the news has been spread by informal means, an announcement may be made in a local or a national paper.

It is traditional for the father of the bride to organize this if the bride’s parents are hosting the wedding. Nowadays, many couples prefer to do it themselves, if at all.

Example Engagement Announcements

A traditional announcement reads:

Mr. R Manners and Miss K. Debrett The Engagement is announced between Richard, elder son of Mr. and Mrs. John Manners of Lewes, East Sussex, and Kate, only daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Rufus Debrett of Richmond, Surrey.

If one or both sets of parents is divorced the name and address of each parent is clearly spelt out:

Mr. R. Manners and Miss. K. Debrett  -- The Engagement is announced between Richard, elder son of Mr. John Manners of Lewes, East Sussex and Mrs. Jane Manners of Chelsea, London, and Kate, only daughter of Mr. Rufus Debrett of Richmond, Surrey and Mrs. Lily Coote of Hampstead, London.

If a parent is widowed:

Mr. R. Manners and Miss K. Debrett – The Engagement is announced between Richard, elder son of Mr. and Mrs. John Manners of Lewes Sussex and Kate, only daughter of Mrs. Rufus Debrett of Richmond, Surrey.

A more contemporary style may be used:

Mr. Richard Manners of Brighton, East Sussex and Miss Kate Debrett of Cobham, Surrey are delighted to announce their engagement. A summer wedding is planned.

Cards and Presents ~ Engagement Cards, Letters and Presents

It is customary for friends and family of a newly engaged couple to send a letter or card; they may also wish to give a present.

*Traditionally, congratulations should be conveyed in a handwritten letter or card. Friends may also send an email, but this is an occasion where it is worth making the effort of putting pen to paper.

*There are many special engagement greetings cards available; a suitable themed blank card is also fine.

*In a letter or card, it is the norm to congratulate both the bride and the groom.

*The bride’s mother traditionally writes to the groom’s parents, expressing delight at the forthcoming marriage and suggesting that a date and venue be found for both sides to get together.

*Close friends and family may wish to give the couple an engagement present. This may be done at the engagement party if one is held.

*The engaged couple should send thank you letters for presents they receive as soon as possible.

The Parents

It is traditional for the couple’s parents to meet if they have not already done so once the announcement has been made.

The bride’s mother traditionally writes to the groom’s parents, expressing delight at the forthcoming marriage and suggesting that a date and venue be found for both sides to get together.

It is inappropriate to leave a first meeting until the engagement party, and highly inadvisable to leave it until the wedding day.

If the parents do not already know each other, meeting in a neutral environment such as a restaurant may be a good idea so that no one carries the burden of playing host or hostess. The bride and groom should make every effort to put both sets of parents at ease.

Remember that first and foremost, this is a celebration. Any initial awkwardness is usually forgotten once the discussion of wedding plans is underway.

Parties ~ Engagement Parties

An engagement party is by no means essential, but it is a great excuse for a celebratory gathering. Ideally the party should be held within a month or two of announcing the engagement.

Organization

*One set of parents may choose to organize the party or nowadays it is also usual for the couple to host the party themselves.

*It is often appropriate to hold two parties – one for families and family friends and a more relaxed occasion for the couple’s friends.

*Check before setting a date that key guests will be able to attend.

*The primary host should send out the engagement party invitations; on these it should be clear that the party is being held to mark the engagement.

*The scale and lavishness of the party will be dictated by budget. Finances permitting, drinks (preferably champagne) and canapé and eacutes are a fail-safe formula for engagement parties.

*The engagement party may be the first time many guests meet either the bride or groom and their respective friends and family so introductions are very important.

*If the parents of the bride are hosting the party, it is customary for the father of the bride to give a small speech and toast the couple.

*Remember that guests invited to an engagement party will expect to be invited to the wedding too, so don’t get carried away with numbers.

Engagement Presents and Thank Yous

*Guests may wish to bring a present for the couple to the engagement party. This is not essential, but is a nice gesture from close friends and family.

*The engaged couple should acknowledge presents with a handwritten thank you letter.

*Guests should write a thank you letter to the host after the evening.