The Balmy Bahamas Cruise - Standard Version for 12 females

MERRI MYSTERIES

“THE BALMY BAHAMAS CRUISE”

STANDARD VERSION FOR 12 FEMALES

THE SUSPECTS

Tilly Song (a megastar singer) has hired a luxury-plus cruiser to see the Bahamas and have a holiday. She has invited a variety of other famous people along to share the lobster. But just as the party was about to start, Karl Virgil, musician and mad-man troublemaker, has been found overboard as full of water as he was of his own self-importance. Was it one of the singers, actors, the tennis or basketball star, or one of the others? Although we have more comedians on-board than we do detectives, this is no laughing matter. We have to find out who did it. The people present on board are:

⚓ TILLY SONG – I’m a soulful singer/songwriter with a voice as pure as the Canadian air I breathed when young. My voice has brought me wealth and fame and I like to share my good fortune with my friends. DRESS SUGGESTIONS: Wear your hair flat, maybe slicked back. Dress in simple, but well-styled clothes. Carry a guitar (or guitar case)

⚓ GERRI NETMAN – Don’t let my orange hair and tattoos confuse you or I will have the ball in the basket before you’ve have time to say my name. DRESS SUGGESTIONS: Wear orange hair, fake tattoos, and basketball clothes. Carry a basketball.

⚓ MAGNOLIA LOLLIPOP – I’m a stand-up comedian. As my name indicates, I’m a cross between a perfume and a candy store. Don’t sniff too hard or you’ll eat me. DRESS SUGGESTIONS: Dress as a little girl complete with ribbons on your hair and a lollipop in your mouth.

⚓ Gillian Trueheart – I’m a comedy writer. I write very funny books. Some say I’m crass, outspoken, brutally honest and controversial – a loving force to be reckoned. And I have to agree. Dress Suggestions: Wear a dark haired wig. Dress in avant-garde clothes. Add a heart on your sleeve.

⚓ Cosi LuvLuvLuv – When I play tennis with you, don’t try and hit back. Just watch the ball zoom past – if you can see it! Some say I’m brilliant, honest and bold. I say – watch that ball! Dress Suggestions: Wear tennis clothes. Carry a racquet. Also add some flashy jewelry.

⚓ Estrella Martini – I’m from Argentina. In the past I sang duets with Tilly, but now I don’t need her help. My dark Latin looks and charms have won me my own fame. Dress Suggestions: Wear a clingy outfit.

⚓ Hertha Haywire – With my own TV talk show, what more could I want besides maybe a bit of peace and quiet? But I like to challenge people so I only have myself to blame for stirring up hornet’s nests. Dress Suggestions: Wear a suit (e.g. a pink one) with a black T-shirt underneath. You are definitely not slim, so you may need to add some padding.

⚓ Durga – As a child I saved my village from raiders. With my newfound sense of power, I went on to become a TV hero. Now I devote myself to fighting for the greater good. Dress Suggestions: Dress as a warrior. Carry a sword.

⚓ Angelica – After Durga saved me from being slain when I was a child, I pledged my life to roaming the world with her. I learned to fight and now I am her co-star on TV as a princess. Dress Suggestions: Dress as a princess, but carry a sword.

⚓ Twinkle-Fingers – Like Elvis I’m back for a visit from the other side complete with flamboyant outfits, glitter, gold and magic piano playing hands. I wasn’t invited. I am just ghosting around. Dress Suggestions: Wear a flamboyant outfit with lots of glitter and add gold chains and lots of rings. Add white powder as you are a ghost.

⚓ Shirley Frosty – I’m a serious actor/director/producer with a capital S. I’m also a classy lady. I have had lots of practice; having started in this career aged 3. I prefer to lead a very private life. Dress Suggestions: Wear a straight blonde/ brown wig. Dress in stylish clothes. Carry a video camera.

⚓ Claudine Shifty – I’m a world famous model. Men swoon at my feet and are in total adoration of my fabulous looks. When it comes to work, I can name my own price. Dress Suggestions: Dress like a beauty queen with a blonde wig, tight fitting dress, extra padding around your breasts (add some socks). Add lots of lipstick.

The following people shared cabins:

⚓ Durga and Angelica

⚓ Cosi and Gerri

⚓ Hertha and Magnolia

⚓ Gillian and Estrella

⚓ Twinkle-fingers and Karl Virgil

⚓ Shirley and Claudine

⚓ Tilly

The Captain had a cabin near the spa and the chef had a cabin near the gym. There were no other crew or staff on board.

THESE ARE THE CLUES FOR TILLY SONG

TILLY SONG – ACT ONE

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

⚓ I grew up in a small town on the northern prairies of Canada. Naturally, I started off singing country music.

⚓ I have broadened my style. I’m sort of moving towards an unstructured song type. I’m also toying with the idea of maybe doing a musical. I think that would be fun, as long as I’m the star.

⚓ Sometimes I do things that confuse people like writing a CD called “Hill-billy Hero” yet I can’t stand Hill-billy music and you won’t find any on my CD. I want to get people thinking – that’s all.

⚓ I didn’t meet Karl Virgil till I was on board. I certainly hadn’t invited him to be a guest on the cruise.

⚓ At first Karl Virgil seemed sweet. He wanted to tune my guitar for me. I don’t usually let anyone touch my guitar but he’s a musician so I thought it would be alright. Then he proceeded, deliberately I think, to break all of my guitar strings.

⚓ There were no signs of a physical struggle on Karl Virgil’s body.

TILLY SONG – ACT TWO

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

⚓ While we were on board, Karl Virgil sang a few of his new numbers. That’s when I realized that he had stolen some of my lyrics. He’d reversed them a bit and sang them differently, but they were definitely my lyrics.

⚓ I asked Karl Virgil who wrote his songs. He said that he helped to write some of them.

⚓ I sang the songs that he’d stolen the lyrics from. But Karl Virgil didn’t bat an eyelid.

⚓ I was fuming on the inside. But I pretended to be cool on the outside. We stars are used to this dichotomy of emotions. We can’t let the paparazzi, or other stars for that matter, see our real feelings.

⚓ I saw you Twinkle-fingers. You kept creeping up on Karl Virgil. I think you were trying to scare him to death because you couldn’t kill him any other way. As a ghost, your hands pass through anybody you try to touch.

TILLY SONG – ACT THREE

During this act you must reveal the following points:

⚓ When Karl Virgil went to sit next to me at dinner last night, I exploded. I was just sick of the sight of him. I told him to find another table and bother someone else for a change. I am normally a very polite person, so I found this very hard to do. I was amazed when he just stood there. He stood there for a full five minutes without saying anything.

⚓ As they said recently on TV “Karl Virgil enjoys playing the victim” – that’s why he even has a song called “I’m A Loser” which is all about rejection.

⚓ Frankly having seen how Karl Virgil behaves in public, I am not surprised that he has been rejected so many times. Sure he could have poured on the charm when he wanted to, but at other times he was terribly rude.

⚓ Karl has a song called “Do You Want Me To Go?” I often think of answering it with a loud “YES”. But much as I would have liked to kill him – that lyric thief – I didn’t.

⚓ I was having a spa at the time. Durga was also enjoying the bubbles with me. Shirley was there part of the time. The spa is diagonally across from Durga and Angelica’s room. I saw Karl knock on their cabin door and he was admitted.

⚓ (If someone asks you why you were coming out of the galley when you were supposed to be in the spa, say )I was getting myself a cold drink.

THESE ARE THE CLUES FOR: GERRI NETMAN

GERRI NETMAN – ACT ONE

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ I am tall, so I play basketball. It is as simple as that. But beside my basketball skills, which are fantastic, I am also an actor. I starred in the movie “Action Traction.”

✰ I’m a writer as well. My book is called “Hitting Life Hard.” It’s selling well.

✰ I’m also a businesswoman with my own concreting company in Kansas.

✰ I met Karl Virgil going up the gangway. He got on board first and then tried to keep me from coming on board by pushing me back. But I am a pretty strong woman so he was no match for me. I wouldn’t have missed this cruise for anything.

✰ Later when Karl emerged from hiding on board, he said he’d only been fooling around with me. But I could see in his eyes that he really didn’t want me on board. Maybe didn’t like the color of my hair.

GERRI NETMAN – ACT TWO

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ As the days went by, things got worse between Karl Virgil and me. He stopped bothering to be civil most of the time.

✰ If it weren’t for Karl Virgil, we would have been one big happy family. We all got on really well. But Karl Virgil kept picking fights with everyone except Tilly. He was nice to her because she was the host and he knew she could have put him off the ship.

✰ My niece back home loves Karl Virgil. She listens to all his music and has his poster above her bed. She will be jealous that I traveled with him.

✰ One time, I heard you Claudine. You were having what sounded like a lovers’ tiff with Karl Virgil. You said you’d push him overboard if he kissed you in public again. I left you both and went back upstairs.

✰ When Karl Virgil heard I’d acted in a movie, he suddenly changed his attitude towards me and was very nice. He asked me to get him a role in a movie. When I refused, he said he’d arrange for me to be left at the next island.

GERRI NETMAN – ACT THREE

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ In the morning I overhead Karl Virgil having a mobile phone conversation with what sounded like a hired thug. He said he wanted a lady with orange hair removed from “The Goombay” Nassau.

✰ Hearing that Karl was plotting to remove me was the last straw. What right did he have to make me go home, when he was the one person who wasn’t even invited on the cruise?

✰ I told Tilly what I had heard. She was very upset about it and she said she would tell Karl Virgil that his uninvited stay was over and that he would have to leave the ship tomorrow morning when we docked at Nassau.

✰ When Tilly told Karl she was putting him off the ship tomorrow, he said that was fine because had friends in Nassau.

✰ I was up on the deck playing basketball with Cosi all afternoon. While I was playing I did notice Shirley climbing the communication tower. I thought she was pretty game to do that. When Cosi and I went to look at the captain’s pet monkey, to our horror, we found it was dead.

THESE ARE THE CLUES FOR TWINKLE-FINGERS

TWINKLE-FINGERS – ACT ONE

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ I have passed beyond to the world of eternal glitter. But sometimes I come back to add a bit of razzle/dazzle to people’s lives back on earth.

✰ People say they hear beautiful piano melodies whenever I approach them. That’s truly divine music, isn’t it?

✰ Don’t believe them when they say you can’t take it with you. Look at me, I am covered in jewels. Aren’t they stunning?

✰ Karl Virgil said he didn’t believe in ghosts, but eventually he had to agree he could see me. Everyone on board the cruiser could see me. Luxury cruisers deserve high-class ghosts like me.

✰ Karl Virgil told people I could only play a handful of numbers on the piano. He thought I’d been a fake. I was hurt. It just isn’t true (sobbing). Why I worked these fingers to the bone practicing. That’s why I wear all these rings – just to hide my damaged fingers.

✰ Karl Virgil sees himself as a big-timer stirrer. The first time I saw him on board, he stole my toupee. I think it was all just a sign of his intense jealousy of me.

TWINKLE-FINGERS – ACT TWO

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ Karl Virgil and I were sharing a cabin together. At first he thought had a cabin all to himself. That was until he admitted that I existed.

✰ Karl Virgil was annoyed he had to share a cabin. He wasn’t even invited. Neither was I but then I’m an asset to any gathering, aren’t I darlings? Karl was horrible to me. Whenever I spread out my cosmetics, like my life-saving wrinkle cream and so on, he pushed them off the bench. Very nasty, he was – nasty.

✰ Ghosts don’t snore, so he was lucky in that sense. We don’t snore because we don’t sleep. We’ve got insomnia big time. Seeing me sitting reading all night unnerved him a bit.

✰ After he made that nasty unfounded remark about my piano playing abilities, I must admit that I did make his life hell. In the middle of the night, I scraped my fingers down the mirror. He woke up, but he didn’t realize why.

✰ When I discovered that Tilly had brought an electric organ on board, I decided to prove to Karl Virgil that I can play. So I had the organ brought to our cabin and for 12 hours straight, I played him number of after number – all different and all perfect. I had him locked in our cabin. Eventually he yelled so loud that someone came to let him out.

TWINKLE-FINGERS – ACT THREE

During this act, you must reveal the following points:

✰ You would have thought Karl Virgil would apologize for his remark about my skills. But no, he just glared at me. I think he was angry because of the day he’d spent listening to my divine music.

✰ Karl did something that really upset me. He flushed my expensive anti-wrinkle cream down the you-know-what! He did it right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it.

✰ I tried to hit him over the head with a pot plant but every time I snuck up on him, he moved. It was very frustrating.

✰ I wanted to kill him and bury him properly so that he goes to hell rather than floats around in purgatory with me. If only I had had a church funeral, maybe I wouldn’t be in this ghastly ghostly predicament.

✰ While I was wafting around the place before lunch, I saw Estrella and Claudine discussing something in earnest in the lounge. I heard them say something about how it must look like an accident.

The Auction

Murder Mystery Games

THE AUCTION

Following the suspicious death of Baroness Audry von Munchen, the fabulous von Munchen relics are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. In the absence of a legal heir, it looks like all the proceeds will go to her favorite charity – unless a claimant comes forward at the last moment. What is the truth behind the Baroness’s death? There’s only one way to find out!

An auction as important as this one is bound to attract a wide range of guests. Apart from antique dealers and private collectors, you may also find prominent members of the Church, political activists, spies, assassins, and even the occasional drug dealer – as well as all of the Baroness’s “loyal” staff. Take nothing for granted, however: not everyone is who they appear to be…

Al those invited to this murder mystery are given a character in the plot. Although only one of them is the actual murderer, nearly everyone is a prime suspect. As guests arrive, they are greeted by the Baroness’s lawyer, Freddie Farr. They get the chance to view her splendid relics, investigate her murder, bid in the auction and do whatever wheeling and dealing is required to achieve their character’s other main objective: to end up the richest person in the room!

Murder isn’t the only crime guests are likely to encounter. Blackmail, bribery, theft, fraud and extortion also lurk not far beneath the surface. Why has the Brooch of Salaar gone missing? Whatever happened to the Baroness’s husband? And why are some guests so keen to bid for the Japanese sword? Come to the auction to find out…

WELCOME TO THE AUCTION

Thank you for taking the time to download this document. You could use it as a basis for writing your own murder mystery, but it is really designed to enable you to run our “Auction” plot.

Most of the information you need to put an Auction together is contained in the main document, for which you will have to pay. Before you do that, check that your software and hardware are compatible with ours by printing out this whole document.

♡ WHAT IS IN THIS SECTION?

❥ A summary of how our murder mystery works

❥ An invitation to send once you know who will be attending. (This tells everyone which character you want them to be.)

❥ A list of all the character parts

❥ A copy of the antique dealers’ magazine “Yesterday’s News”, which gives guests some background on the plot.

❥ A booking form

♡ WHAT IS INCLUDED WHEN YOU ACTUALLY BUY IT?

❥ Character sheets, one for each guest

❥ A chart which shows how to allocate the character parts

❥ A step-by-step guide on how to run the game

❥ Paper money

❥ All the other essential paper props: Wills, Birth Certificates, Pathologist’s Reports, etc.

❥ The solution!

♡ HOW DOES THE AUCTION WORK?

Designed for groups of 12-40 people, the Auction lasts from 2 to 4 hours and works particularly well over dinner. One person will need to act as coordinator, responsible for making sure everything runs smoothly and that guests receive all the information they need. Everyone is given a character in the plot, with the coordinator assuming the role of a lawyer. One of the guests will be the murderer. If people play the game well, they will have more than enough information to identify the murderer. Nothing is as it seems, however, and every character will also have objectives of their own to pursue. These will sidetrack them into making deals, bribing people, and getting involved in plenty of fun and games along the way.

As proceedings draw to a close, everyone will be given the opportunity to make their accusations, before the correct solution is revealed and the murderer is unmasked.

♡ WHO HAS TAKEN PART IN THE AUCTION BEFORE?

We have been running the Auction for ten years in the UK. Hundreds of companies have booked it, and a list of satisfied customers is provided on our sister company’s website. This is the first time it has become available in a form you can run, without us being there to help you. Please do not think, however, that you can just download the game and let it run itself. By getting it at a fraction of the price that we usually sell it for, your coordinator will obviously have to put in some work to make it a real success.

We make our living running games like these. If you want us to organize it all for you, please let us know and we will tell you what we charge.

You are cordially invited to take part in a murder mystery called “The Auction.”

Following the tragic death of Baroness Audry from Munchen, her famous artifacts are being sold to the highest bidder. We would welcome your presence at this auction and to the reading of her will. This will take place:

Please let me know if you are unable to come as your part may have to be reallocated.

GUEST LIST FOR THE AUCTION OF THE VON MUNCHEN RELICS

❥ F.F Farr: The Baroness’s lawyer, and also a personal friend for many years. Freddie will decide who inherits the money raised by the auction.

❥ Cardinal Bowden: Once the Baroness’s local priest, the Cardinal is here on behalf of the Vatican. Rumor suggests that he may be the next Pope.

❥ Glenda Goodheart: Still an assistant librarian at the age of thirty-four, Glenda must be here out of curiosity as she surely can’t afford to buy anything.

❥ John Dunn: President of CONS (Care of Newborns Society): a charity which looks after unwanted children from rich backgrounds. It seems CONS will inherit most of Audry’s fortune.

❥ Sir John Bates: A wealthy banker and good friend of the Baroness. Sir John is expected to bid highly in the auction.

❥ Jay da Silva: A rich South American, Jay often travels to Britain on business, and used to visit Audry von Munchen regularly.

❥ Simmie Shade: T.J.’s adopted child, Simmie used to be quite a tearaway but, at the age of thirty, has now settled into a promising career in home security.

❥ Inspector Clu d’Eau: The detective, who is investigating the death of the Baroness, has never get over the embarrassment of having such a silly name.

❥ Jeeves: The Baroness’s long-suffering butler, Jeeves will be attending the auction as a mark of respect for his late employer.

❥ Alison Williams: Alison owns a small shop in a neighboring village. She is unlikely to be able to afford anything here.

❥ Linda Lovelace: The Baroness’s maid for the past three years. She is out of a job now, as well as being heavily pregnant.

❥ Lionel Big: The owner of “Wartime Antiques”, Lionel has a most unpleasant manner. He is T.J. Shade’s main business rival.

❥ J.J. Sly: This surly, aggressive man is not known in the antiques trade, and no one can think of a reason why he should be at the auction.

❥ Ari Salom: A money-lender of a great repute. It is always wise to make repayments to Salom Enterprises on time…

❥ Pat Gaffney: This Irish property owner is in the money and is rumored to be the new owner of Audry’s estate. Pat’s strong accent and sense of humor add life to any party.

❥ Sterling Saunders: An entrepreneur from Soho whose millions were made from the proceeds of an unusual publication called “LOVE”…

❥ T.J. Shade: Shade runs the famous Shady Regalia Antiques shop in London, which specializes in military artifacts.

❥ Father O’Leary: Now the local priest, who took over from Cardinal Bowden twenty-five years ago. He conducted private services for the Baroness regularly.

❥ John Doe: After spending several years in South America John is now a journalist for Yesterday’s News, the magazine for antique dealers.

❥ Ginger Bloomfield: An antiques dealer from London, Ginger has an eye for a bargain, and is looking for one at the auction.

❥ Sue Bromley: A young and promising archaeologist who was on the expedition with the Baroness when the artifacts were discovered.

❥ Lady Miriam Bates: Sir John’s charming wife, Lady Miriam looks down on all those she believes lack her wealth and breeding.

❥ Sam Snoop: Wherever there’s money, you will also find the gutter press. Sam is the News of the People’s foremost “investigator journalist.”

❥ Kim Chapman: Chapman is here on behalf of Lloyds Insurance, which is offering a £20,000 reward for the return of the missing brooch.

❥ Ringwald Crump: Crump is a talented but struggling artist whose main role model is Vincent Van Gogh.

❥ A.B. Burns: Recruited by Freddie Farr to run the auction, A.B. has worked for the family firm of Burns, Burns & Burns for many years.

❥ Elsie Earnapenny: A keen member of her local girl guides group, Elsie is often seen raising money for good causes.

❥ Dan, the gardener: Dan has been Audry’s gardener for the last fifteen years. A cheerful old soul, he is very proud of his cabbages, raspberries and parsnips.

❥ Jeff Williamson: Jeff is a local lad whose mischievous nature frequently gets him into trouble with the police.

❥ Ann Smith: Ann guarded the relics for the Baroness when they were abroad. She is responsible for ensuring no one tries to steal or damage them at the auction.

❥ Jules Bond: Bond doesn’t talk much about work, except to say that it involves plenty of travel and meeting new people.

❥ Mrs. Muhammed: Here on behalf of the Turkish government, Mrs. Muhammed believes the relics are the property of her country and should not be auctioned at all.

❥ Solo Humarn: Solo works for a national newspaper in Israel and is here to do a follow-up, after reporting on the original discovery of the relics.

❥ Satsumo Mitsuyo: Despite a shaky grasp of language, Satsumo is keen to come away from the auction with at least one genuine artifact.

❥ Karla Herbflauer: A student who comes from Eastern Europe, Karla is here to see for herself the wonderful treasures Audry found on her expedition.

❥ Jack Chancer: An international businessman, Jack takes an interest in many different money-making schemes. It’s no surprise to see him where so much wealth is gathered.

❥ Feng Caratacas: Feng is a mercenary and political activist who offers a service “you would kill for.”

❥ Dennis Short: Nicknamed “Dodgy Den”, Mr. Short is never short of bargains to sell and unpleasant stories to spread.

❥ Arshaad Kaghi: The leader of an extremist religious sect, Arshaad objects strongly to the selling of “stolen holy relics.”

❥ G.D. Lettemov: An entrepreneur from the Central Asian Republic of Krackastan, famed for its exotic teas and dangerous roads.

YESTERDAY’S NEWS

BARONESS DEAD! POLICE SUSPECT FOUL PLAY

Baroness Audry von Munchen died in very peculiar circumstances last week. Police revealed today that the Baroness was found dead in her bed by her maid, Miss Linda Lovelace, at breakfast one morning. An enquiry into the death has been set up and is being led by Inspector Clu d’Eau – a bumbling idiot who, it has been suggested, could not organize a drinks party in a brewery. It is believed the Baroness did not die from natural causes, and the police are already describing the incident as a “suspicious death.”

AUCTION OF THE YEAR

Following the death of the Baroness Audry von Munchen, three glorious relics are to be auctioned.

A fourth relic, the “Brooch of Salaar”, was stolen on the night that she died. Her lawyer, Freddie Farr, has put up a reward of thirty thousand pounds for information leading to the arrest of the murderer. Additionally, the insurance brokers, Lloyds of London, are offering a twenty thousand pound reward for the return of the missing brooch. The auction is expected to attract interest from a wide variety of people, including at least one Cardinal and plenty of antique dealers.

The relics have recently been exhibited in the Middle and Far East. They date from the first Crusade of 1099, from a battle against Salaar, Sultan of the Turkish armies at that time. The Crusaders were victorious, and went on to sack Jerusalem, and found the Christian kingdom of Antioch.

The von Munchen Relics:

THE CROSS OF UNITY

The Cross was given to the Crusaders by Pope Urban II to bring them together under the banner of Christianity. Its value is not certain, but should prove to be in excess of one hundred thousand pounds.

Π THE JAPANESE SWORD

A magnificent find, there is a legend attached to this weapon. It once belonged to an aide to the Emperor of Japan. After a breach of Bushido, the Samurai code, the aide was banished from Japan. He then fought as a mercenary for the Crusaders.

Z THE CROWN OF SALAAR

Salaar, Sultan of the Seljuk Turks, died in battle, wearing this crown. It was unearthed at a dig on the battleground site.

Z THE BROOCH OF SALAAR

The Brooch is believed to have belonged to Salaar. As it has gone missing, it will only be sold at the auction if someone returns it.

OBITUARY: BARONESS AUDRY VON MUNCHEN

The Baroness died at the age of sixty-seven after leading a most extraordinary life. She moved to England from Germany in the 1940s, and soon became known as an accomplished historian and archaeologist. Her fame in the antiques world was accentuated last year after her extremely successful expedition to the Middle East, where she discovered and excavated the site of the most famous battle of the First Crusade in 1099 A.D.

The Baroness did once marry, but it is believed her husband died very soon after her marriage. She rarely talked about him. There are no known heirs to her fortune, and it is believed that all the money raised by the sale of her relics will go to her favorite charity, CONS (the Care of Newborns Society).

On behalf of us all at Yesterday’s News, may I say that she will bee sorely missed.

By John Doe

EMILY POST - CHAPTER XXXI - GAMES AND SPORTS

EMILY POST (1837-1960) E

CHAPTER XXXI – GAMES AND SPORTS

THE POPULARITY of bridge whist began a quarter of a century ago with the older people and has increased slowly but steadily until it is scarcely an exaggeration to say that those who do not play bridge which means “auction” are seldom asked out. And the epidemic is just as widespread among girls and boys as among older people. Bridge is always taken seriously; a bumble puppy game won’t do at all, even among the youngest players, and other qualifications of character and of etiquette must be observed by every one who would be sought after to “make up a four.”

PEOPLE CHARMING TO PLAY BRIDGE WITH

That no one likes a poor partner—or even a poor opponent—goes without saying.

The ideal partner is one who never criticizes or even seems to be aware of your mistakes, but on the contrary recognizes a good maneuver on your part, and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose, whereas the inferior player is apt to judge you merely by what you win, and blame your “make” if you “go down,” though your play may have been exceptionally good and the loss even occasioned by wrong information which he himself gave you. Also, to be continually found fault with makes you play your worst; whereas as appreciation of good judgment on your part acts as a tonic and you play seemingly “better than you know how.”

PEOPLE DISLIKED AT THE BRIDGE TABLE

There is nothing which more quickly reveals the veneered gentleman than the card table, and his veneer melts equally with success or failure. Being carried away by the game, he forgets to keep on his company polish, and if he wins, he becomes grasping or overbearing, because of his “skill”; if he loses he sneers at the “luck” of others and seeks to justify himself for the same fault that he criticized a moment before in another.

A trick that is annoying to moderately skilled players, is to have an over-confident opponent throw down his hand saying: “The rest of the tricks are mine!” and often succeed in “putting it over,” when it is quite possible that they might not be his if the hand were played out. Knowing themselves to be poorer players, the others are apt not to question it, but they feel the less that their “rights” have been taken from them.

A rather trying partner is the nervous partner, who has no confidence in his own judgment and will invariably pass a good hand in favor of his partner’s bid. If for instance, he has six perfectly good diamonds, he doesn’t mention them because his partner having declared a heart, he thinks to himself “Her hearts must be better than my diamonds.” But a much more serious failing—and one that is far more universal—is the habit of overbidding.

OVERBIDDING

In poker you play alone and can therefore play as carefully or as foolishly as you please, but in bridge your partner has to suffer with you and you therefore are in honor hound to play the best you know how—not the best you know how is as far as can possibly be from overbidding.

Remember that your partner, if he is a good player, counts on you for certain definite cards that you announce by your bid to be in your hand, and raises you accordingly. If you have not these cards you not only lose that particular hand, but destroy his confidence in you, and the next time when he has a legitimate raise for you, he will fail to give it. He disregards you entirely because he is afraid of you! You must study the rules for makes and never under any circumstances give your partner misinformation; this is the most vital rule there is, and any one who disregards it is detested at the bridge table. No matter how great the temptation to make a gambler’s bid, you are in honor bound to refrain.

The next essential, if you would be thought “charming” is never to take your partner to task no matter how stupidly he may have “thrown the hand.”

DON’TS FOR THOSE WHO WOULD BE SOUGHT AFTER

Don’t hold a “post-mortem” on anybody’s delinquencies (unless you are actually teaching).

If luck is against you, it will avail nothing to sulk or complain about the “awful” cards you are holding. Your partner is suffering just as much in finding you a “poison vine” as you are in being one—and you can scarcely expect your opponents to be sympathetic. You must learn to look perfectly tranquil and cheerful even though you hold nothing but Yarboroughs for days on end, and you must on no account try to defend your own bad play—ever. When you have made a play of poor judgment, the best thing you can say is, “I’m very sorry, partner,” and let it go at that.

Always pay close attention to the game. When you are dummy, you have certain duties to your partner, and so do not wander around the room until the hand is over. If you don’t know what your duties are, read the rules until you know them by heart and then—begin all over again! It is impossible to play any game without a thorough knowledge of the laws that govern it, and you are at fault in making the attempt.

Don’t be offended if your partner takes you out of a bid, and don’t take him out for the glory of playing the hand. He is quite as anxious to win the rubber as you are. It is unbelievable how many people regard their partner as a third opponent.

MANNERISMS AT THE CARD TABLE

Mannerisms must be avoided like the plague. If there is one thing worse than the horrible “post-mortem”, it is the incessant repetition of some jarring habit by one particular player. The must usual and most offensive is that of snapping down a card as played, or bending a “trick” one has taken into a letter “U,” or picking it up and trotting it up and down on the table.

Other pet offenses are drumming on the table with one’s fingers, making various clicking, whistling or humming sounds, massaging one’s face, scratching one’s chin with the cards, or waving the card one is going to play aloft in the air in Smart Alec fashion as though shouting, “I know what you are going to lead! And my card is ready!” All mannerisms that attract attention are in the long run equally unpleasant—even unendurable to one’s companion.

Many people whose game is otherwise admirable are rarely asked to play because they have allowed some such silly and annoying habit to take its hold upon them.

THE GOOD LOSER

The good loser makes it an invariable rule never to play for stakes that it will be inconvenient to lose. The neglect of this rule has been responsible for more “bad losers” than anything else, and needless to say a bad loser is about as welcome at a card table as rain at a picnic.

Of course there are people who can take losses beyond their means with perfect cheerfulness and composure. Some few are so imbued with the gambler’s instinct that a heavy turn of luck, in either direction, is the salt of life. But the average person is equally embarrassed in winning or losing a stake “that matters” and the only answer is to play for one that doesn’t.

GOLF

Golf is a particularly severe strain upon the amiability of the average person’s temper, and in no other game, except bridge, is serenity of disposition so essential. No one easily “ruffled’ can keep a clear eye on the ball, and exasperation at “lost balls” seemingly bewitches successive ones into disappearing with the completeness and finality of puffs of smoke. In a race or other test of endurance a flare of anger might even help, but in golf it is safe to say that he who loses his temper is pretty sure to lose the game.

Golf players of course know the rules and observe them, but it quite often happens that idlers, having nothing better to do, walk out over a course and “watch the players.” If they know the players well, that is one thing, but they have no right to follow strangers. A player who is nervous is easily put off his game, especially if those watching him are so ill-bred as to make audible remarks. Those playing matches of course expect an audience, and erratic and nervous players ought not go into tournaments—or at least not in two-ball foursomes where they are likely to handicap a partner.

In following a match, onlookers must be careful to stand well within bounds and neither talk nor laugh nor do anything that can possibly distract the attention of the players.

The rule that you should not appoint yourself mentor holds good in golf as well as in bridge and every other game. Unless your advice is asked for, you should not instruct others how to hold their clubs or which ones to use, or how they ought to make the shot.

A young woman must on no account expect the man she happens to be playing with to make her present of golf-balls, or to caddy for her, nor must she allow him to provide her with a caddy. If she can’t afford to hire one of her own, she must either carry her own clubs or not play golf.

OTHER GAMES AND SPORTS

There are fixed rules for the playing of every game—and for proper conduct in every sport. The details of these rules must be studied in the “books of the game”, learned from instructors, or acquired by experience. A small boy perhaps learns to fish or swim by himself, but he is taught by his father or a guide—at all events, some one—how and how not to hold a gun, cast a fly, or ride a horse. But apart from the technique of each sport, or the rules of each game, the etiquette or more correctly, the basic principles of good sportsmanship are the same.

In no sport or game can any favoritism or evasion of rules be allowed. Sport is based upon impersonal and indiscriminating fairness to every one alike or it is not “sport.”

And to be a good sportsman, one must be a stoic and never show rancor in defeat, or triumph in victory, or irritation, no matter what annoyance is encountered. One who can not help sulking, or explaining, or protesting when the loser, or exulting when the winner, has no right to take part in games and contests.

“PLAYING THE GAME”

If you would be thought to play the game, meaning if you aspire to be a true sportsman, you must follow the rules of sportsmanship the world over:

Never lose your temper.

Play for the sake of playing rather than to win.

Never stop in the middle of a tennis or golf match and complain of a lame ankle, especially if you are losing. Unless it is literally impossible for you to go on, you must stick it out.

If you are a novice, don’t ask an expert to play with you, especially as your partner. If he should ask you in spite of your shortcomings, maintain the humility proper of a beginner.

If you are a woman, don’t ape the ways and clothing of men. If you are a man, don’t take advantage of your superior strength to set a pace beyond the endurance of a woman opponent.

And always give the opponent the benefit of the doubt! Nothing is more important to your standing as a sportsman, though it costs you the particular point in question.

A true sportsman is always a cheerful loser, a quiet winner, with a very frank appreciation of the admirable traits in others, which he seeks to emulate, and his own shortcomings, which he tries to improve.

Chapter Eight - Dinner Parties and Balls

Chapter Eight – D inner-Parties and Balls

Dinner has been pronounced by Dr. Johnson, to be, in civilized life, the most important hour of the twenty-four. The etiquette of the dinner-table has a prominence commensurate with the dignity of the ceremony. Like the historian of Peter Bell, we commence at the commencement, and thence proceed to the moment when you take leave officially, or vanish unseen.

INVITATIONS

In order to dine, the first requisite is—to be invited. The length of time which the invitation precedes the dinner is always proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion, and varies from two days to two weeks.

REPLYS TO INVITATION

You reply to a note of invitation immediately, and in the most direct and unequivocal terms. If you accept, you arrive at the house rigorously at the hour specified. It is equally inconvenient to be too late and to be too early. If you fall into the latter error, you find everything in disorder; the master of the house is in his dressing-room, changing his waistcoat; the lady is still in the pantry; the fire not yet lighted in the parlor. If by accident or thoughtlessness you arrive too soon, you may pretend that you called to inquire the exact hour at which they dine, having mislaid the note, and then retire to walk for an appetite.

ARRIVING TOO LATE

If you are too late, the evil is still greater, and indeed almost without remedy. Your delay spoils the dinner and destroys the appetite and temper of the guests; and you yourself are so much embarrassed at the inconvenience you have occasioned, that you commit a thousand errors at table. If you do not reach the house until dinner is served, you had better retire to a restaurant, and thence send an apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkward excuses and cold acceptances.

MANNERS AT TABLE

Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so much as his manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, which, although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and well-bred man. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait” dinner will betray him.

DRESS NEATLY FOR DINNER PARTY

Always go to dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails require especial attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition.

HOW LONG TO REMAIN AFTER DINNER

Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the parlor, after dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over.

CONGENIAL COMPANY

The utmost care should be taken that all the company will be congenial to one another, and with a similarity of taste and acquirements, so that there shall be a common ground upon which they may meet.

NUMBER OF GUESTS

The number of guests should not be too large. From six to ten form the best number, being neither too large nor too small. By no means let the number at table count thirteen, for certain people have a superstition about this number; and though it is a very foolish and absurd one, it is courteous to respect it.

MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS

The invitations should be written on small note-paper, which may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids anything more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper.

The invitation should be issued in the name of the host and hostess.

The form of invitation should be as follows:

“Mr. and Mrs. Ford request the pleasure [or favor] of Mr. and Mrs. Harper’s, company at dinner on Thursday, the 13^th of December, at 5 o’clock.”

The answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly.

INVITATION ACCEPTED

An acceptance may be given in the following form:

“Mr. and Mrs. Harper have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. Ford’s invitation for December 13^th.”

INVITATION DECLINED

The invitation is declined in the following manner:

“Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret that a previous engagement (or whatever the cause may be) will prevent them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs. Ford’s invitation for December 13^th.”

Or,

“Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret extremely that owing to [whatever the preventing cause may be] they cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and Mrs. Ford on Thursday, December 13^th.”

Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should be stated briefly yet plainly, that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.

INVITATION TO TEA-PARTY

The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It may take the form of a friendly note, something in this manner:

“DEAR MISS PATTERSON,”

“We have some friends coming to drink tea with us to-morrow: will you give us the pleasure of your company also? We hope you will not disappoint us.”

One should always say “drink tea,” not “take-tea,” which is a vulgarism.

RECEPTION OF GUESTS

When guests are announced, the lady of the house advances a few steps to meet them; gives them her hand and welcomes them cordially.

INTRODUCTION OF GUESTS

If there are strangers in the company, it is best to introduce them to all present, that they may feel no embarrassment.

PROCEEDING TO DINNER

When they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the dinner is served up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he conducts us by going before. It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide to the guests, while the master offers his arm to the lady of most distinction. The guests also give their arms to the ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the places which they are to occupy. Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully bows to the lady whom he conducts, and who in turn bows also.

ARRANGING GUESTS AT TABLE

It is one of the first and most difficult things, properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner, that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment; we should, as much as possible, avoid putting next one another, two persons of the same profession, as it would necessarily result in an aside dialogue, which would injure the general conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most distinguished gentlemen ought to placed next to the mistress of the house; and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right hand is especially the place of honor.

INTERMINGLING GUESTS

If the number of gentleman is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible; because being always together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

At table, as well as at all other places, the lady always takes precedence of the gentleman.

ASKING THE WAITER FOR ANYTHING

If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him gently in the tone of request, and not of command. To speak to a waiter in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on airs at the thought of your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: “If I tell a footman to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insulting manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I am sure I should deserve it.”

PRAISING EVERY DISH

It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is set before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it is well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be construed into a dissatisfaction with it.

PICKING YOUR TEETH AT THE TABLE

Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at the table, for however agreeable such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others. The habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table.

SELECTING A PARTICULAR DISH

Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a dish; but if your host asks you what part your prefer, name some part, as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as well as carve for you.

DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS

The lady and gentleman of the house, are of course helped last, and they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters are attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to eat more than they appear to want, nor insist upon their partaking of any particular dish. It is allowable for you to recommend, so far as to say that it is considered “excellent,” but remember that tastes differ, and dishes which suit you, may be unpleasant to others; and that, in consequence of your urgency some modest people might feel themselves compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them.

PARING FRUIT FOR A LADY

Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to divide a very large pear with or for a person.

DIPPING BREAD INTO PRESERVES

It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If your desire to eat them together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and convey these to your mouth with your fork.

SOUP

Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if they let it remain untouched, because it is better to make a pretence of eating until the next course is served than to sit waiting or compel the servants to serve one before the rest.

Soup should be eaten with the side of the spoon, not from the point, and there should be no noise of sipping while eating it. It should not be called for a second time.

FISH

Fish follows soup, and must be eaten with a fork, unless fish-knives are provided. Put the sauce, when it is handed you, on the side of your plate.

Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a second time.

GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER

After soup and fish, come the side-dishes, which must be eaten with a fork only, though the knife may be used in cutting anything too hard for a fork.

Never apologize to a waiter for requiring him to wait upon you; that is his business. Neither reprove him for negligence or improper conduct, that is the business of the host.

Never take up a piece of asparagus or the bones of fowl or bird with your fingers to suck them, possibility making the remark that “fingers were made before forks.” These things should always be cut with a knife and eaten with a fork. If fingers were made before forks, so were wooden trenchers before the modern dinner service. Yet it would rather startle these advocates of priority to be invited to a dinner-party where the dining-table was set with a wooden trencher in the centre, into which all the guests were expected to dip with their fingers.

Bread should be broken, not bitten. This is, of course, taken with the fingers.

Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating it. If a bone gets inadvertently into the mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in removing it.

Cherry-stones should be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as possible and deposited on the side of the plate. A good way is to watch how others are doing and following their example. A better way still is for the hostess to have her cherries stoned before they are made into pies and puddings, and thus save her guests this dilemma.

If it is an informal dinner, and the guests pass the dishes to one another instead of waiting to be helped by a servant, you should always help yourself from the dish, if you desire to do so at all, before passing it on to the next.

A guest should never find fault with the dinner or with any part of it.

When you are helped, begin to eat without waiting for others to be served.

A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth. Many even well-bred people in other particulars think this an unnecessary regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise, and disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe it.

As an illustration of this point, I will quote from a letter from the late Win. M. Thackeray, addressed to a gentleman in Philadelphia: “The European continent swarms with your people. They are not all as polished as Chesterfield. I wish some of them spoke French a little better. I saw five of them at supper at Basle the other night with their knives down their throats. It was awful! My daughter saw it, and I was obliged to say, ‘My dear, your great-great grandmother, one of the finest ladies of the old school I ever saw, always applied cold steel to her wittles. It’s no crime to eat with a knife,’ which is all very well; but I wish five of ‘em at a time wouldn’t.”

WATCHING HOW OTHERS DO

Speaking of watching how others are doing, and following their example, reminds us of an anecdote told us not long since by the lady who played the principal part in it.

She was visiting at the house of a friend, and one day there was upon the dinner-table some sweet corn cooked on the ear. Not knowing exactly how to manage it so as not to give offense, she concluded to observe how the others did. Presently two of the members of the family took up their ears of corn in their fingers and ate the grain directly from the cob. So Miss Mary thought she might venture to eat hers in the same manner. Scarcely had she begun, however, when her hostess turned to her little boy and said, “I am going to let you eat your corn just like a little pig to-day.”

“How is that, momma?” questioned the boy.

“Look at Miss Mary,” was the reply. “I am going to let you eat it just as Miss Mary is eating hers.”

The mixed state of Miss Mary’s feelings can be better imagined than described.

Never use a napkin in the place of a handkerchief by wiping the forehead or blowing the nose with it,

Do not scrape your plate tilt it to get the last drop everything it may contain, or wipe it out with a piece of bread.

Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Everything that can be cut without a knife, should be cut with a fork alone.

Eat slowly.

Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Ice requires a spoon.

Cheese must be eaten with a fork.

Talk in a low tone to your next neighbor, but not in so low a tone but that your remarks may become general. Never speak with your mouth full.

Never lay your hand or play with your fingers upon the table. Neither toy with your knife, fork or spoon, make pills of your bread nor draw imaginary lines upon the tablecloth.

Never bite fruit. An apple, pear or peach should be peeled with a silver knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut.

URGING GUESTS TO EAT

A mistress of a house ought never to appear to pride herself regarding what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which she offers you; it is much better for her to observe silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner; neither is it in good taste to urge guests to eat nor to load their plate against their inclination.