Chapter Eight – D inner-Parties and Balls
Dinner has been pronounced by Dr. Johnson, to be, in civilized
life, the most important hour of the twenty-four. The etiquette of the
dinner-table has a prominence commensurate with the dignity of the ceremony. Like
the historian of Peter Bell, we commence at the commencement, and thence
proceed to the moment when you take leave officially, or vanish unseen.
INVITATIONS
In order to dine, the first requisite is—to be invited. The
length of time which the invitation precedes the dinner is always proportioned
to the grandeur of the occasion, and varies from two days to two weeks.
REPLYS TO
INVITATION
You reply to a note of invitation immediately, and in the most
direct and unequivocal terms. If you accept, you arrive at the house rigorously
at the hour specified. It is equally inconvenient to be too late and to be too
early. If you fall into the latter error, you find everything in disorder; the
master of the house is in his dressing-room, changing his waistcoat; the lady
is still in the pantry; the fire not yet lighted in the parlor. If by accident
or thoughtlessness you arrive too soon, you may pretend that you called to
inquire the exact hour at which they dine, having mislaid the note, and then
retire to walk for an appetite.
ARRIVING
TOO LATE
If you are too late, the evil is still greater, and indeed
almost without remedy. Your delay spoils the dinner and destroys the appetite
and temper of the guests; and you yourself are so much embarrassed at the
inconvenience you have occasioned, that you commit a thousand errors at table.
If you do not reach the house until dinner is served, you had better retire to
a restaurant, and thence send an apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the
courses by awkward excuses and cold acceptances.
MANNERS AT
TABLE
Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentleman so much as
his manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, which,
although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and well-bred
man. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably
in conversation; but if he be not perfectly “au fait” dinner will betray him.
DRESS
NEATLY FOR DINNER PARTY
Always go to dinner as neatly dressed as possible. The
expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and
cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails require especial
attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for a man to sit
down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition.
HOW LONG TO
REMAIN AFTER DINNER
Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the
parlor, after dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be
well to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively rude
to leave the house as soon as dinner is over.
CONGENIAL
COMPANY
The utmost care should be taken that all the company will be
congenial to one another, and with a similarity of taste and acquirements, so
that there shall be a common ground upon which they may meet.
NUMBER OF
GUESTS
The number of guests should not be too large. From six to ten
form the best number, being neither too large nor too small. By no means let
the number at table count thirteen, for certain people have a superstition
about this number; and though it is a very foolish and absurd one, it is
courteous to respect it.
MANNER OF
WRITING INVITATIONS
The invitations should be written on small note-paper, which may
have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids
anything more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper.
The invitation should be issued in the name of the host and
hostess.
The form of invitation should be as follows:
“Mr. and Mrs. Ford request the pleasure [or favor] of Mr. and
Mrs. Harper’s, company at dinner on Thursday, the 13th of December,
at 5 o’clock .”
The answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation
is declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly.
INVITATION
ACCEPTED
An acceptance may be given in the following form:
“Mr. and Mrs. Harper have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and
Mrs. Ford’s invitation for December 13th.”
INVITATION
DECLINED
The invitation is declined in the following manner:
“Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret that a previous engagement (or whatever
the cause may be) will prevent them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and
Mrs. Ford’s invitation for December 13th.”
Or,
“Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret extremely that owing to [whatever
the preventing cause may be] they cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr.
and Mrs. Ford on Thursday, December 13th.”
Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should be stated
briefly yet plainly, that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding or hard
feelings.
INVITATION
TO TEA-PARTY
The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It may take
the form of a friendly note, something in this manner:
“DEAR MISS PATTERSON,”
“We have some friends coming to drink tea with us to-morrow:
will you give us the pleasure of your company also? We hope you will not disappoint
us.”
One should always say “drink tea,” not “take-tea,” which is a
vulgarism.
RECEPTION
OF GUESTS
When guests are announced, the lady of the house advances a few
steps to meet them; gives them her hand and welcomes them cordially.
INTRODUCTION
OF GUESTS
If there are strangers in the company, it is best to introduce
them to all present, that they may feel no embarrassment.
PROCEEDING
TO DINNER
When they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the
dinner is served up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the
master of the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he
conducts us by going before. It is quite common for the lady of the house to
act as guide to the guests, while the master offers his arm to the lady of most
distinction. The guests also give their arms to the ladies, whom they conduct
as far as the table, and to the places which they are to occupy. Having arrived
at the table, each guest respectfully bows to the lady whom he conducts, and
who in turn bows also.
ARRANGING
GUESTS AT TABLE
It is one of the first and most difficult things, properly to
arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner, that the conversation
may always be general during the entertainment; we should, as much as possible,
avoid putting next one another, two persons of the same profession, as it would
necessarily result in an aside dialogue, which would injure the general
conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most
distinguished gentlemen ought to placed next to the mistress of the house; and
the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right hand
is especially the place of honor.
INTERMINGLING
GUESTS
If the number of gentleman is nearly equal to that of the
ladies, we should take care to intermingle them; we should separate husbands
from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as
possible; because being always together, they ought not to converse among
themselves in a general party.
At table, as well as at all other places, the lady always takes
precedence of the gentleman.
ASKING THE
WAITER FOR ANYTHING
If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak
to him gently in the tone of request, and not of command. To speak to a waiter
in a driving manner will create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you
were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on airs at the thought of
your promotion. Lord Chesterfield says: “If I tell a footman to bring me a
glass of wine, in a rough, insulting manner, I should expect that, in obeying
me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I am sure I should
deserve it.”
PRAISING
EVERY DISH
It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is
set before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it is
well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming indifferent
to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be construed into a
dissatisfaction with it.
PICKING
YOUR TEETH AT THE TABLE
Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at the table, for however
agreeable such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others.
The habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid
the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table.
SELECTING A
PARTICULAR DISH
Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular
part of a dish; but if your host asks you what part your prefer, name some
part, as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose
as well as carve for you.
DUTIES OF
HOST AND HOSTESS
The lady and gentleman of the house, are of course helped last,
and they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters are
attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to eat more than
they appear to want, nor insist upon their partaking of any particular dish. It
is allowable for you to recommend, so far as to say that it is considered
“excellent,” but remember that tastes differ, and dishes which suit you, may be
unpleasant to others; and that, in consequence of your urgency some modest
people might feel themselves compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to
them.
PARING
FRUIT FOR A LADY
Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you,
and then be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to
divide a very large pear with or for a person.
DIPPING
BREAD INTO PRESERVES
It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the
preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite it. If your desire to eat them
together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and convey
these to your mouth with your fork.
SOUP
Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if they let
it remain untouched, because it is better to make a pretence of eating until
the next course is served than to sit waiting or compel the servants to serve
one before the rest.
Soup should be eaten with the side of the spoon, not from the
point, and there should be no noise of sipping while eating it. It should not be
called for a second time.
FISH
Fish follows soup, and must be eaten with a fork, unless
fish-knives are provided. Put the sauce, when it is handed you, on the side of
your plate.
Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a second time.
GENERAL
RULES REGARDING DINNER
After soup and fish, come the side-dishes, which must be eaten
with a fork only, though the knife may be used in cutting anything too hard for
a fork.
Never apologize to a waiter for requiring him to wait upon you;
that is his business. Neither reprove him for negligence or improper conduct,
that is the business of the host.
Never take up a piece of asparagus or the bones of fowl or bird
with your fingers to suck them, possibility making the remark that “fingers
were made before forks.” These things should always be cut with a knife and
eaten with a fork. If fingers were made before forks, so were wooden trenchers
before the modern dinner service. Yet it would rather startle these advocates
of priority to be invited to a dinner-party where the dining-table was set with
a wooden trencher in the centre, into which all the guests were expected to dip
with their fingers.
Bread should be broken, not bitten. This is, of course, taken
with the fingers.
Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating it. If a
bone gets inadvertently into the mouth, the lips must be covered with the
napkin in removing it.
Cherry-stones should be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively
as possible and deposited on the side of the plate. A good way is to watch how
others are doing and following their example. A better way still is for the
hostess to have her cherries stoned before they are made into pies and
puddings, and thus save her guests this dilemma.
If it is an informal dinner, and the guests pass the dishes to
one another instead of waiting to be helped by a servant, you should always
help yourself from the dish, if you desire to do so at all, before passing it
on to the next.
A guest should never find fault with the dinner or with any part
of it.
When you are helped, begin to eat without waiting for others to
be served.
A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth.
Many even well-bred people in other particulars think this an unnecessary
regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that its
violation causes surprise, and disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe
it.
As an illustration of this point, I will quote from a letter
from the late Win. M. Thackeray, addressed to a gentleman in Philadelphia Chesterfield Basle the other
night with their knives down their throats. It was awful! My daughter saw it,
and I was obliged to say, ‘My dear, your great-great grandmother, one of the
finest ladies of the old school I ever saw, always applied cold steel to her
wittles. It’s no crime to eat with a knife,’ which is all very well; but I wish
five of ‘em at a time wouldn’t.”
WATCHING
HOW OTHERS DO
Speaking of watching how others are doing, and following their
example, reminds us of an anecdote told us not long since by the lady who
played the principal part in it.
She was visiting at the house of a friend, and one day there was
upon the dinner-table some sweet corn cooked on the ear. Not knowing exactly
how to manage it so as not to give offense, she concluded to observe how the
others did. Presently two of the members of the family took up their ears of corn
in their fingers and ate the grain directly from the cob. So Miss Mary thought she
might venture to eat hers in the same manner. Scarcely had she begun, however, when
her hostess turned to her little boy and said, “I am going to let you eat your corn
just like a little pig to-day.”
“How is that, momma?” questioned the boy.
“Look at Miss Mary,” was the reply. “I am going to let you eat it
just as Miss Mary is eating hers.”
The mixed state of Miss Mary’s feelings can be better imagined than
described.
Never use a napkin in the place of a handkerchief by wiping the forehead
or blowing the nose with it,
Do not scrape your plate tilt it to get the last drop everything
it may contain, or wipe it out with a piece of bread.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Everything that can be cut without
a knife, should be cut with a fork alone.
Eat slowly.
Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Ice requires a spoon.
Cheese must be eaten with a fork.
Talk in a low tone to your next neighbor, but not in so low a tone
but that your remarks may become general. Never speak with your mouth full.
Never lay your hand or play with your fingers upon the table. Neither
toy with your knife, fork or spoon, make pills of your bread nor draw imaginary
lines upon the tablecloth.
Never bite fruit. An apple, pear or peach should be peeled with a
silver knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut.
URGING GUESTS
TO EAT
A mistress of a house ought never to appear to pride herself regarding
what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which
she offers you; it is much better for her to observe silence in this respect, and
leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner; neither is it in good
taste to urge guests to eat nor to load their plate against their inclination.
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