Debrett's Etiquette - British Behavior P to Q

Debrett's Etiquette -- British Behavior P to Q

From Personal Space to Queuing, via Politeness, Port Etiquette, Pronounciation and Pubs, our indispensable Guide to British Behavior

Personal Space 
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space

It is an undeniable fact that some people always stand too close. Even on crowded public transport, there is inescapably close and threateningly close. When someone steps over that invisible line, when you start to feel troubled, you want to step backwards away from the space-invader, and you focus less on what they are saying than on how close they are to you. The trick here is not to back away but to somehow create a whole new space turn to wave hello to someone passing, turn away to get something out of a bag, at the same time subtly putting some clear water between you and the invader.
If you suspect that you are the person that unknowingly is the space-invader, then apply the following test: if you can feel the warmth of their anxious breath upon your face, then you're standing too close.
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space. Communal living outside the family unit is at an all-time low - so that people don't even get to practice their space-sharing skills on flatmates. We are so insulated from the outside world by our iPods, mobile phones and our fear of catching an aggressive stranger's eye on the street that it is rare for anyone under the age of 40 to even acknowledge their physical environment. 
Social networking sites remove us one step further from actually having to interact with people; but even that virtual personal space is being increasingly invaded - by Big Brother companies who dig out every personal details they can to establish our voting preferences, our retail profile, our ability to finance mortgage payments.
Employers now have a propensity to invade would-be employees' personal space by checking out their social networking site... unearthing every embarrassing picture, every drunken posting, which then prejudices their hiring decision. Even online, guard your privacy in the same way that you would in 'real life': apply the same judgments to making friends, or even 'catching someone's eye' as you would in the outside world.
We need to preserve our personal space, both in the real world and the virtual one, but not at the expense of any intimacy at all. So get out there and start interacting with people - just don't stand too close.

Politeness 
Manners are valuable in this world because well-mannered people know how to set others at ease

It is an incontrovertible fact that you can be impeccably punctilious about all the trappings of manners - opening doors, pulling out chairs, walking on the roadside edge of pavements etc. - but still be appallingly rude. The call center employee has been well-coached in the etiquette of the cold call or the politest way of handling complaints - yet, with every meaninglessly courteous and obfuscating syllable that falls from their lips, we are driven to incontinent rage. Politeness is not a failsafe measure of manners.
Manners are valuable in this world for the simple reason that well-mannered people know how to set others around at their ease, know how to make the world feel a more civilized, friendly and calm place, and like to put others' comfort ahead of their own.
If politeness demands that dinner parties are seated boy-girl, boy-girl, good manners demands that when your guests take it into their heads to sit randomly, you just smilingly go with the flow. If being polite and opening a door for someone means that you have to wrestle your way past them in the first place, almost knocking them flying, then why not stand back, relax and with good manners acknowledge their own kindness in holding the door open for you.
Yet don't cast politeness out entirely - it is a good plank in the raft of manners and should be respected as part of the social contract we should all tacitly enter into to make our world more harmonious. In a society where behavior is becoming increasingly loud and brash, we need to preserve politeness as the vital ingredient in the cocktail of manners that makes our world a better place; somewhere where basic survival is finessed into a more subtle pleasure. So bring back the doffing of hats, bring back the polite boardroom, let's have unisex chivalry.

Politics, Discussing
Emotions frequently run high around political issues, so treat this issue with care and respect

The world would be a very bland place if no one ever argued about politics. However, emotions frequently run high around political issues, and you should therefore treat this issue with care and respect.
If you're in an environment where a stand-up, passionate political row is not desirable (an office, a dinner-party where you're being introduced to your fiancee's parents etc.), then it is probably a good idea to lay off politics altogether, or at least gauge the prevailing political climate - in these circumstances, a heartfelt consensus is bonding, dissent is likely to be damaging.
In a more knockabout environment, there is no reason not to join the fray. Just be sure that you know what you're talking about and have the facts straight before you lay into anyone. Your arguments will be much more persuasive if you keep calm, listen to other people and treat their views with respect.

Port Etiquette
Learn all about port etiquette

Port is traditionally served after pudding with the coffee course. If you are at an informal dinner party or a restaurant no ritual will be involved, but take some care at a formal dinner when you should not take a sip before the Loyal Toast.
A port decanter will be placed on the table so that you can help yourself and then pass it on. Always pass the port to the left. If the port passes you by without your glass being filled don't ask for the port, thereby making it change direction. Instead send your empty glass after the port decanter and ask for it to be filled.

Presents
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the intention of delighting the recipient

A time-honored way of showing affection, gratitude or esteem, or marking rites of passage, such as birth or marriage, the giving and receiving of presents is one of life's greatest pleasures.
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the sole intention of delighting the recipient.
A thoughtful present should be appreciated regardless of cost. The time you have taken to select it will be apparent in your choice. However, if you do not know your recipient well, certain presents have enduring appeal and will always be appreciated.
Generally speaking, the present should be appropriate to the depth of your acquaintance and to the reason behind the gesture. If possible, do some research to avoid making a basic error - the bottle of whisky to the teetotaller, or the chocolates to the dieter. Beware: present-giving is not a competition, and there is no need to go over the top. A competitive spirit undermines the action and a disproportionate show of wealth is likely to embarrass the recipient, and create a sense of reciprocal obligation.
When selecting presents for those close to you, think carefully about their tastes, hobbies, passions. Never fall into the trap of buying a present that you really want for yourself, and that you fully intend to use, borrow or adopt. Remember what you have given in the past. A repeat present suggests that you take the whole business lightly, so keep a list if your memory is poor. Try not to agonize over choice and never try to match the anticipated value of the reciprocal present. Giving and receiving are entirely separate activities, and this is not the time to weigh up the quid pro quo.
To ensure that giving is truly better than being on the receiving end, take the time to plan. A last-minute trip to the shops will leave you frazzled and spoil the experience. A present is worse than useless if it is given grudgingly.
Re-gifting is a potential minefield. Certainly, as the credit-crunch bites, recycling is to be applauded, but employ great caution. Inspect presents minutely to ensure that there are no telltale signs that they are second-hand. Then think very carefully about who gave them to you in the first place; there is a very real possibility that you will re-gift a present to the original giver, or to someone who is intimately connected with them - this is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
To receive a present graciously, always open it when the giver is with you. Always show enthusiasm and try and engage with the giver beyond a simple thank you. If appropriate, ask them pertinent questions about the present, or muse on when you will use it. Disappointment, distaste or just indifference must be hidden at all costs. For all but the most casually given gifts, a written thank you is appropriate.

Pronunciation
Follow this guide to perfect pronunciation

If someone mis-pronounces a word it is very rude to correct their pronunciation - they will feel crushed and foolish. The tactful option is to re-introduce the word that has been mispronounced into the conversation by using the correct pronunciation you will be alerting them to the mistake; they can either choose to rectify their error in future, or stick doggedly to their own version.
While everyone admires linguistic ability, you should restrain any desire to show off your skills by over-pronouncing foreign words. Generally, if foreign words are used in English conversation they are gently anglicized; guttural or phlegmatic consonants, trilled 'rs' and exaggerated glottal stops are unnecessary and obtrusive.

PS and QS
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners

Opinions differ as to the origin of the phrase, 'P's and Q's'. Some say that it was once shouted in pubs when things were getting a little rowdy, "Mind your Pints and Quarts!", these being the main measurements of drinks before the Second World War. Others say that it was an old printer's axiom; a reminder to typesetters to pay attention to the details.
Regardless of its origins, this admonition has been common in post-Victorian Britain as an abbreviation of 'to mind your manners' or, more specifically, to say both 'please' ('p's) and 'thank-you' ('thank-q's).
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners, and parents will soon weary of the mantra-like repetition of, 'Say please/thank-you!' every few minutes for the first five, ten or fifteen years of their child's existence.
In this case, the tedium of repetition is surely justified - a child who doesn't mind their ps and qs, the most basic of good manners, is being given a very poor start to life, especially in British society, where every single social transaction is eased by reiteration of these phrases.

Pubs
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers

'Few things are more pleasant than a village graced with a good church, a good priest and a good pub.' -- John Hillaby

Observe and respect the atmosphere you find in a pub. If your fellow drinkers are sitting alone or in couples quietly chatting and reading papers don't ruin the mood with loud banter or uproarious games of darts and bar billiards. Likewise, if you are in a busy town-centre pub after work on a Friday there's no point complaining about the rowdy group of office-workers letting their hair down at the table next to you.
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers. On the other hand, if a solitary drinker is lost in contemplation of their pint or crossword, respect their privacy - if they want a chat they'll make it obvious.
If a group of you are drinking together it is usual for people to take it in turns to buy a round. Don't opt out of rounds, or hang back; you shouldn't have to be asked.
Don't hog a space at the bar, blocking the way for other punters. Pubs are usually liberally supplied with chairs and tables, so try and move away from the bar when you've ordered your drink.
Be aware of 'regulars'. These are habitual customers of the pub, who might have their own favored seat, special glass, or repartee with the barmaid. The pub is their second home, so respect their prior claims.
Tipping is not necessary in a pub. However, if you feel you've received particularly notable service you may like to offer the bar staff a drink.