Etiquette at College
CHAPTER III A HOME AT COLLEGE
The student who lives outside the college or school has a chance to select a room from what the neighborhood offers. There are points to remember:
It should be as convenient to the campus as is possible.
It will be more pleasant and healthful if it provides good ventilation and sunlight.
Arrangements may be made with the family concerning meal-times, bath schedules, proper heat in winter, and living-room privileges. Especially for a girl rooming in town, it is necessary to be sure of a suitable place in which to entertain callers.
Do not engage a place permanently before you try it.
Most colleges have a special bureau to recommend rooming houses that have been inspected and approved, and these lists are kept up-to-date from reports of students. In a town of any size it is not well to risk taking a room that has not been approved by the college, by the Y room registration bureau or by responsible friends. Health conditions and the social standing of the people renting rooms are not always evident on the surface.
In a dormitory, rooms are assigned to new students. The college room may be small or large. It may be simply four walls like a cabin, or a suite of bedroom, living room and bath, beautifully furnished.
A roommate is the rule, although in some advanced schools students room alone.
THE COLLEGE ROOM
Styles in college room decorations have changed remarkably, and it is never wise to say what is being done. Fish nets, pretty girl heads, snowshoes, beer steins, posters, dusty tea sets, wire racks of photographs, felt banners, leather pillows, water-colors, Japanese prints, tapestries, armor, swords, zithers, accordions and radios are mingled in most dreams of college rooms.
As a rule, the less there is to dust, the better the college room looks, for it is a place in which one has to sleep, study, play and eat (occasionally).
There are recognized courtesies of dividing storage space and furniture with one's roommate.
If one has a better bed or better place for it than the other, the roommates may agree to "swap" at regular intervals, or arrange so that the less favored one has some other advantage to make up for it. Closet room is apportioned, and drawer space. It is a good idea never to use a drawer in common except for possessions that are common property, like dishes for spreads, a pressing iron, extra linen, curtains and bedding.
When there is a study table and a desk as well, one takes the table and the other the desk, especially if they are not large enough for two to use without conflict. Even chairs are apt to become "thine and mine".
If ornaments and draperies seem to clash, the roommate is quick to take a cue suggests putting away his or her inharmonious things. Perhaps they can be brought out later in the year for a change.
STARTING RIGHT
Cheerfulness, but reserve, is the keynote in getting along with a stranger.
One may admire new possessions of another, but it is good taste to wait until they are offered for inspection. Clothing, pictures, and family matters are personal and should be respected.
A roommate with foresight never begins reading letters to a companion. It is a habit that, besides being rather common, rapidly becomes inconvenient and embarrassing. No matter how well each knows the other's friends and family, a few pleasant words will give the news that concerns them. The only exception is that of a letter which has an impersonal flavor and a very clever literary quality, such as some write on special occasions, and which one knows was intended to be shown as a work of art to any who might be interested.
Mention of personal matters affecting only oneself, money worries, longing for clothes and opinions of people both know, are too cheap for dignified conversation, especially to comparative strangers. Confidences one regards so lightly are as lightly respected by acquaintances.
A student may expect as much reserve from a roommate as he himself shows, and should his friend seem to tell too much, it is kindness to let him feel that though his confidence is respected, it ought to be kept from going farther.
Automatically, roommates get to know each other well, even if they never become real friends; and there is an unwritten law of loyalty that forbids talking to others about one's roommate.
Familiarity has no place in the college room, as it lowers the standing of students who are lacking in dignity, to say nothing of decency. Unnecessary caresses, slapping on the back, pushing, pulling, and tussling, are marks of those socially ill at ease. They seldom are judged "fresh", but do not know what to do with their hands and feet---an awkwardness left over from juvenile days.
Occasionally there is an embarrassing member in a dormitory who is inclined to go about too lightly clad. People of refinement instinctively keep from intruding on the sight of others when disrobed, for it is as vulgar to be be too careless as it is to be simpering and prudish.
It is easier to resolve not to borrow, than it is not to lend. Borrowing is common except in groups which have made their own laws against it.
A girl boasting of her successful year in university was insisting that all one needed was a good suit and an evening dress.
"But what about afternoon parties, and field trips and picnics and blizzards?" demanded her listeners.
"Oh, the girls always fixed me out!" she said easily.
Common sense will settle questions of emergency, but to borrow much is thought to reflect on the ability of one's parents or guardian to provide necessities, or upon one's own lack of management and foresight.
Some who have a petty desire to put others under obligation and feel superior themselves, purposely insist on lending things, and then advertise their own generosity, especially to people above them socially and to the opposite sex.
It is a mark of the "climber" and of those who use their resources to buy their way in. Often they do not mean to be anything but ambitious, but are lacking in a sense of values.
DORMITORY REGULATIONS
Rules are not so strenuous as they used to be. Practically all regulations of a modern dormitory are not for "discipline" but for the convenience of a large number living under the same roof.
Rising hour, meal-times, study hours, and recreation are made uniform. Bath schedules may be added if the rooms have not private baths. There are fire-drills. There are rules about the use of parlors, and the doors are locked at a certain time in the evening except to those having special permissions. But the life is that of a well-conducted home.
Modern colleges have Student Government, and students make and enforce the laws. Student Council often prints a booklet of the rules, and schedules are posted in the halls and rooms. Juniors and Seniors are always willing to answer questions of new students.
Sometimes it is well not to be conspicuous in inquiries. For instance, a freshman who asks if she may use her electric chafing-dish, toaster and pressing-iron, may be conscientious enough to refrain if such devices are forbidden. Yet her possessions will be remembered, and if a fuse burns out in her vicinity, she will be the first one questioned.
For new students, the best form is to make sure to avoid friction of any kind with students or faculty. A reputation for reserve, good manners and dependability can become so fixed in a few weeks that it smooths the way for the entire course, and whatever happens, people will be ready to put the best construction upon what the student does and says.
Some "dorms" have regulations in regard to typewriters, musical instruments, electrical equipment, and so forth. These should be noted. Usually a place is provided in the basement for washing small articles, for pressing, making candy. Modern equipment even supplies electric hair-dryers to make evening shampoos easy. Hospital facilities are provided for cases of illness, but general health in the college is the rule, and to be "husky" is ideal. It is not good form to ask for special privileges or exemption from regulations of any kind, unless there is some urgent reason, like doctor's orders.
CHAPTER IV -- POPULARITY
Real popularity is based on merit and likeableness, not a temporary rise to public notice. The law of personal attraction seems to be that the more a person thinks of others, the more others come to think of him.
One's personality is like a horse: Tie it to a post (oneself), and there it must stay until it starves; but turn it out to pasture, let it gallop about the fields with other personalities, and it becomes shining and sleek, and able to bear the owner along delightful paths and over dangerous roads safely--a steed any might be proud to own.
UNSELFISHNESS
The best-loved students would laugh incredulously if any one should undertake to tell them how "popular" they are. It is their trick of forgetting themselves that endears them to everybody. People who dwell on the "hit" they fancy themselves making, are funny but, if seen often, become pathetic bores. The in-growing mind makes the owner a "specimen" even to himself, and puts out the radiance that belongs to a personality that is busy shining on others. Interest in a fellow-student pleases him, and he begins to feel that his friend has excellent sense of appreciation.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Chapter 1 and 2
Etiquette At College By Nellie Ballou
Chapter 1 Manners at College
A college student is thrown suddenly into a community very different from his home and school environment. He finds new ideas, new opportunities, new friends about him. But they must be won by his own efforts.
He has little chance to ask or wonder what to do as he faces situations that are important to his present comfort and future success. He wants to make good; to scratch his high mark on college records; to have his share of popularity. He realizes that it all depends, not upon pull or money or looks, but upon his ability to adapt himself successfully to these new conditions and to make the most of the chances that come day by day.
The boy or girl who holds an alert attitude toward college life may be sure of the best the college has to offer. Each has his own problems arising from personality and individual talents, but the routine problems of college environment are common to all students alike. They harass the wealthy young person thrown for the first time upon his own responsibility, just as they worry the boy who comes with a little roll of bills for the first semester's expenses and the rest of his way to earn.
How shall he make a good impression upon several hundred people who never heard of him before? How shall he gain friends that will last? How can he make sure of good times and popularity?
Is money for or against one? Can a student making his own expenses hope to take part in society life? What does one need to take along to college? What will the roommate be like? Should one share with Roommate one's secrets,letters, hopes and fears, or remain more or less of an unknown quantity?
There are many questions like these that are too shy for public inquiry. They come from the hearts of boys and girls who want to be popular and beloved; who want to be sought after by desirable groups of student society. What makes seemingly ordinary persons so popular when others with brilliance and ambition go neglected? What is the secret of drawing friends--the law of attraction?
Established college circles judge things on a different basis from time-honored decrees of opinion and fiction. They call good-looking many men and women who seem homely of feature. One who is considered "the real thing" may puzzle a freshman who sees in the example no hint of beauty, genius or heroic action. Customs and traditions are puzzling and handicap until one recognizes, understands and observes them.
Shall the student's parents who are old grads, accompany him and see him started in, or will their kind care react on his standing in the eyes of fellow-students who come alone? Is his southern accent apt to be an asset or a drawback? Shall he admit he plays the guitar? May he tell the college president that his uncle is a trustee and that he is descended from a Mayflower ancestor? Will it help his standing with the fraternity he covets if he drops a word about his father's resources?
What distinguishes the star athletes from those who are "nearly as good" but never make the first team? Why does the tall, graceful girl go home to cry because her name is not among the dancers chosen for the pageant? Why do they omit a certain gifted fellow from the staff of the college weekly?
Why are some girls always busy when beseiged for dates? Why do other smile upon meeting one? When girls meet boys they like, they are especially anxious to make no false moves. Is it forward to ask the boy to call? Or should they wait for the boys to take the initiative? What should one do when the boy does not take the initiative? When one is asked to pour tea for a friend in the town, what should she borrow to wear? How should she answer an invitation to bridge that came on her hostess's visiting card?
Many boys and girls hesitate to attend social affairs because of shyness when they have in them qualities which with a little care and understanding will fairly shine. What are these qualities and how can they be developed?
How is one supposed to act with a faculty member? How much should one tell in home letters? How can one control the reputation for brilliancy or stupidity that seems to spring full grown upon the campus? Why does the over-anxious student seldom make the fraternity desired? May a girl call up a man at his fraternity? What should one know about wearing fraternity pins?
How did it happen that some of the gifted students failed in the dramatic club try-out, leaving a list to be posted that surprised every one?
Why was the college paper staff suspended from publishing the weekly? What was the objection to a bit of hazing?
Why wasn't he asked again to visit the old friends of his parents? Should he feel slighted at a dinner invitation to take the place of another who could not go? Did every one know he wasn't likely to be dining any where but at the dormitory? How should he entertain a visiting alumnus? What calls is he obliged to make? How can he build up a pleasant social life in town as well as in the college? Why do so many college engagements come to grief? What distinguishes a popular man from one who is tolerated merely because another dress-suit is need at the party?
And the student's sister? Her perplexities may be smaller but they can spoil many hours. What shall she wear at the fraternity masquerade party? How can she avoid seeming a wall flower at a dance where she knows so few men? Will her partner see to it that she has a good time all evening? When she goes to a luncheon, is she supposed to keep on her hat and gloves? And how long should she stay afterward? If she is having a guest for the weekend and thinks of asking Mrs. Grayson to include the girl in her dinner party, will it be permissible?
There are scores of other questions which come up in everyday contacts. If one does not know how to meet them readily, they lead to uncomfortable half-hours or disappointing evenings, raised eyebrows and shrugged shoulders. Half of the situations in which a student is placed are perplexing because they develop suddenly and without warning at a time when he is intent upon learning new people and new customs. To put him on his guard, and to help him know the formalities and informalities of college life as it is likely to present itself, is the object of these chapters.
Chapter II -- A Good Start
The new student assures himself of a welcome and an excellent chance for successful college life, when he makes inquiries in advance concerning the college and its advantages. He should also investigate the course he intends to take, the requirements for entrance, and the standing which is assigned to graduates by future employers.
For many reasons, the general standing of the school had better be estimated by outsiders. It should be considered in regard to faculty, reputation, health conditions and should be judged, most of all, by the type of men or women it sends out into the world. Colleges stamp their graduates with unfailing marks by which they may be distinguished during after-years.
The principal of the secondary school one leaves holds a conference with each student several months before his matriculation, and makes arrangements to transfer credits and recommendations to the higher institution.
If entrance examinations are required, the student has to be notified in time to take them at the time and place designated by the college office. Inquiries and arrangements are completed in most cases before the summer closing of the school.
Inquiries
Careful examination of college catalogs saves asking many questions of the officials.
Expenses and fees are printed in the catalog. The question of tuition puzzles some students. Tuititio of course means the fee paid for actual teaching and class work. State universities charge nothing for tuition to residents of the state, because support from public funds helps to pay the instructors. In endowed schools and colleges, a fixed sum is charged, in no manner meeting the actual cost per student. The deficit is made up by the income from college funds. Some universities charge a fixed rate for each point or semester hour elected by the student.
In asking questions of college officials, letters should be clear and brief, written on business paper in correct form, and addressed to the proper person. The names and titles may be found in the college catalog, and should be spelled correctly if one wishes to be remembered with pleasure.
In a coeducational college, the Dean of Men has charge of the affairs relating to men of the institution, and the Dean of Women is in charge if girls. The Registrar receives credits and applications for registration. The Treasurer handles money matters. Assignment of rooms may be under a special official or bureau.
A new student seldom has a choice of rooms, but takes cheerfully whatever dormitory accommodations may be assigned to him. A deposit of room rent is paid when the room is engaged. If a change pf plan occurs, the deposit is refunded when notice is given before a certain date.
Registration is not completed, and in most colleges one may not attend classes, until all bills are paid. The student should have an understanding with the Treasurer beforehand if he is obliged to make different arrangements. Sometimes a certain percentage is paid at registration, and the remainder later in the semester.
Scholarships have to be secured far in advance. Students give service in return for board, room or tuition, by waiting on the tables in dormitories or student boarding clubs, working about the campus, or assisting in the buildings. New students sometimes are granted service scholarships through the office of the president in small colleges. It is looked upon as wrong for any one who can buy his way to take the chances from boys and girls who are without means, for scholarships are limited to a small proportion of the student body.
Honorary scholarships are offered by colleges to certain secondary schools to encourage honor graduates to continue their studies. They require no service in return, but the holders of them are expected to keep up to standard and contribute their best efforts to college life in whatever way they can.
Students who show proficiency in certain departments soon find chances to assist in classes and laboratories. Their reward may be in the form of extra credits, money, or glory. In any event, such assistant work is a good recommendation in securing positions, or in applying for university fellowships after graduation.
EQUIPMENT
Some college dormitories are completely furnished and equipped. In others, linen,decorations and draperies are provided by the students. Laundry facilities vary from the village wash-woman to the modern call-and-deliver system. Knowing what to expect saves delay in adjusting oneself.
A gymnasium suit is practically a uniform, and is ordered to measure when gym classes are organized. It is well to wait until one is in touch with the physical director in the purchasing of any sort of athletic clothing.
In choosing sweaters, jackets and campus headgear, the student is wise to avoid anything that resembles the official badge of athletes, awarded for distinction in sports. Likewise, he does not display sweaters, caps or uniforms in the colors of rival colleges. He avoids anything that looks like pretense or conspicuousness.
Classes usually adopt insignia to distinguish their members on the campus and in intramural contests. However brilliant their colors may be, they are in keeping with college spirit, for with many wearers they become a badge or uniform. Personal belongings depend upon the college and its surroundings, as well as upon the individual student. The more experienced a traveler is, the less luggage he carries about with him, and he has is adapted to his needs.
Good libraries and book exchanges make it possible for a student to get along without his private library. Textbooks usually may be purchased second-hand or rented from former students in a course. If there is any prejudice in regard to used books, it appears to be in their favor, to judge from the "Wanted" and "For Sale" notices posted on bulletin boards in the student halls.
Certain possessions have won a place as assets to dormitory dwellers; a small camera; a steamer rug or army blanket for comfort indoors, or to use at late autumn picnics and games; a cushion or two of dark, sturdy material; a memory book; any sort of musical instrument one can play; and equipment for sports and games the environment permits. These things are used constantly and never are in the way.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The adaptable student finds new surroundings full of opportunities to live and learn and make good. No stranger is expected to know exactly what to do and where to go in a community he never has seen before, and he does not appear awkward except to himself. By observing others, rather than by making himself a center of attraction, the newcomer soon gets his bearings, falls in easily with local custom, and becomes a member in good standing of his chosen college.
To be inconspicuous is the prayer of the harried freshman, and finding his way about occupies his first days. After that, he begins to realize that certain attitudes on his part bring him help and information, and keep obliging upper classmen at his side as guardians and friends:
Alert interest and straightforward inquiry have taken away his bewilderment. He is eager to listen, but does not talk much unless somebody questions him, when he responds frankly and cheerfully.
He does not ask questions unless they are definite and can be answered in a few words.
He appreciates the scenes and landmarks which have grown dear to older students, and knows they will seem the same to him after their significance grows upon him. He respects customs and traditions even though he can see as yet no point to them.
He is grateful for friendly help and for pleasant company, and says so sincerely, but does not try to impose on good nature by tagging his benefactors. He is the freshman whom upper classmen remember and like from the start.
GOOD LOOKS
An attractive appearance us an asset to a successful start in college society. Good looks consist of far more than beauty of face, which is scarcely heeded when charm and distinction are present.
Carriage ranks high as a mark of the best type of college student. Slouchiness seldom is seen in those who have powers of leadership. The alert mind and active, well-poised body go with the personality of those who are prominent in college circles.
The voice, too, forms evidence for or against a newcomer. The agreeable voice, used just enough, gives an interpretation of good breeding and culture in its owner.
Clothes for the student must be conservative, sturdy and suitable. Material and line count for more than passing fashion. A conspicuous garment or a fancy creation is an enemy to the student whom it brings to notice on the campus.
To be well-groomed is the final touch that distinguishes the real gentleman and gentlewoman from those who pretend to fine manners. A few minutes a day assure hair is always brushed, clean and glossy; a wholesome, fresh skin; teeth, that gleam; hands and nails that need no apology; clothes put on securely and neatly; shoes with heels in repair, and a reasonable polish. These few things that become automatic habits are merely a duty to one's person, but they are more: they are the basis of physical attractiveness to those who must associate day after day with the student in intimate contact.
THE "SEND OFF"
It is a temptation to parents who have gone to college to accompany their children when the latter enter. If they yield to this friendly impulse, their stay should be entirely social. It is better for them to take lodgings in town and come to the campus only as visiting alumni.
In all academic matters, it is for the student to see to his own registration, interviews with faculty members and entering classes, and to take his chances unaided and on an equal basis with the others who have come to school alone.
When a mother accompanies her daughter to school, stays with her in the dormitory, helps her unpack, and then departs, she leaves the poor girl to an attack of homesickness, and her presence makes it harder for other girls who have just left their mothers for the first time.
The ideal time for the family to visit, is after the student is settled and can find his way about--- perhaps by Thanksgiving time. Then they come as honored guests to the halls, meet new friends he has made, accompany him to classes, and visit members of the faculty as the guests rather than guides of their proud young relative.
Thus they carry away the memory of an alert, capable student who is a real personage, instead of the dazed, uncertain newcomer of a few weeks before. It is more pleasant for all concerned.
Chapter 1 Manners at College
A college student is thrown suddenly into a community very different from his home and school environment. He finds new ideas, new opportunities, new friends about him. But they must be won by his own efforts.
He has little chance to ask or wonder what to do as he faces situations that are important to his present comfort and future success. He wants to make good; to scratch his high mark on college records; to have his share of popularity. He realizes that it all depends, not upon pull or money or looks, but upon his ability to adapt himself successfully to these new conditions and to make the most of the chances that come day by day.
The boy or girl who holds an alert attitude toward college life may be sure of the best the college has to offer. Each has his own problems arising from personality and individual talents, but the routine problems of college environment are common to all students alike. They harass the wealthy young person thrown for the first time upon his own responsibility, just as they worry the boy who comes with a little roll of bills for the first semester's expenses and the rest of his way to earn.
How shall he make a good impression upon several hundred people who never heard of him before? How shall he gain friends that will last? How can he make sure of good times and popularity?
Is money for or against one? Can a student making his own expenses hope to take part in society life? What does one need to take along to college? What will the roommate be like? Should one share with Roommate one's secrets,letters, hopes and fears, or remain more or less of an unknown quantity?
There are many questions like these that are too shy for public inquiry. They come from the hearts of boys and girls who want to be popular and beloved; who want to be sought after by desirable groups of student society. What makes seemingly ordinary persons so popular when others with brilliance and ambition go neglected? What is the secret of drawing friends--the law of attraction?
Established college circles judge things on a different basis from time-honored decrees of opinion and fiction. They call good-looking many men and women who seem homely of feature. One who is considered "the real thing" may puzzle a freshman who sees in the example no hint of beauty, genius or heroic action. Customs and traditions are puzzling and handicap until one recognizes, understands and observes them.
Shall the student's parents who are old grads, accompany him and see him started in, or will their kind care react on his standing in the eyes of fellow-students who come alone? Is his southern accent apt to be an asset or a drawback? Shall he admit he plays the guitar? May he tell the college president that his uncle is a trustee and that he is descended from a Mayflower ancestor? Will it help his standing with the fraternity he covets if he drops a word about his father's resources?
What distinguishes the star athletes from those who are "nearly as good" but never make the first team? Why does the tall, graceful girl go home to cry because her name is not among the dancers chosen for the pageant? Why do they omit a certain gifted fellow from the staff of the college weekly?
Why are some girls always busy when beseiged for dates? Why do other smile upon meeting one? When girls meet boys they like, they are especially anxious to make no false moves. Is it forward to ask the boy to call? Or should they wait for the boys to take the initiative? What should one do when the boy does not take the initiative? When one is asked to pour tea for a friend in the town, what should she borrow to wear? How should she answer an invitation to bridge that came on her hostess's visiting card?
Many boys and girls hesitate to attend social affairs because of shyness when they have in them qualities which with a little care and understanding will fairly shine. What are these qualities and how can they be developed?
How is one supposed to act with a faculty member? How much should one tell in home letters? How can one control the reputation for brilliancy or stupidity that seems to spring full grown upon the campus? Why does the over-anxious student seldom make the fraternity desired? May a girl call up a man at his fraternity? What should one know about wearing fraternity pins?
How did it happen that some of the gifted students failed in the dramatic club try-out, leaving a list to be posted that surprised every one?
Why was the college paper staff suspended from publishing the weekly? What was the objection to a bit of hazing?
Why wasn't he asked again to visit the old friends of his parents? Should he feel slighted at a dinner invitation to take the place of another who could not go? Did every one know he wasn't likely to be dining any where but at the dormitory? How should he entertain a visiting alumnus? What calls is he obliged to make? How can he build up a pleasant social life in town as well as in the college? Why do so many college engagements come to grief? What distinguishes a popular man from one who is tolerated merely because another dress-suit is need at the party?
And the student's sister? Her perplexities may be smaller but they can spoil many hours. What shall she wear at the fraternity masquerade party? How can she avoid seeming a wall flower at a dance where she knows so few men? Will her partner see to it that she has a good time all evening? When she goes to a luncheon, is she supposed to keep on her hat and gloves? And how long should she stay afterward? If she is having a guest for the weekend and thinks of asking Mrs. Grayson to include the girl in her dinner party, will it be permissible?
There are scores of other questions which come up in everyday contacts. If one does not know how to meet them readily, they lead to uncomfortable half-hours or disappointing evenings, raised eyebrows and shrugged shoulders. Half of the situations in which a student is placed are perplexing because they develop suddenly and without warning at a time when he is intent upon learning new people and new customs. To put him on his guard, and to help him know the formalities and informalities of college life as it is likely to present itself, is the object of these chapters.
Chapter II -- A Good Start
The new student assures himself of a welcome and an excellent chance for successful college life, when he makes inquiries in advance concerning the college and its advantages. He should also investigate the course he intends to take, the requirements for entrance, and the standing which is assigned to graduates by future employers.
For many reasons, the general standing of the school had better be estimated by outsiders. It should be considered in regard to faculty, reputation, health conditions and should be judged, most of all, by the type of men or women it sends out into the world. Colleges stamp their graduates with unfailing marks by which they may be distinguished during after-years.
The principal of the secondary school one leaves holds a conference with each student several months before his matriculation, and makes arrangements to transfer credits and recommendations to the higher institution.
If entrance examinations are required, the student has to be notified in time to take them at the time and place designated by the college office. Inquiries and arrangements are completed in most cases before the summer closing of the school.
Inquiries
Careful examination of college catalogs saves asking many questions of the officials.
Expenses and fees are printed in the catalog. The question of tuition puzzles some students. Tuititio of course means the fee paid for actual teaching and class work. State universities charge nothing for tuition to residents of the state, because support from public funds helps to pay the instructors. In endowed schools and colleges, a fixed sum is charged, in no manner meeting the actual cost per student. The deficit is made up by the income from college funds. Some universities charge a fixed rate for each point or semester hour elected by the student.
In asking questions of college officials, letters should be clear and brief, written on business paper in correct form, and addressed to the proper person. The names and titles may be found in the college catalog, and should be spelled correctly if one wishes to be remembered with pleasure.
In a coeducational college, the Dean of Men has charge of the affairs relating to men of the institution, and the Dean of Women is in charge if girls. The Registrar receives credits and applications for registration. The Treasurer handles money matters. Assignment of rooms may be under a special official or bureau.
A new student seldom has a choice of rooms, but takes cheerfully whatever dormitory accommodations may be assigned to him. A deposit of room rent is paid when the room is engaged. If a change pf plan occurs, the deposit is refunded when notice is given before a certain date.
Registration is not completed, and in most colleges one may not attend classes, until all bills are paid. The student should have an understanding with the Treasurer beforehand if he is obliged to make different arrangements. Sometimes a certain percentage is paid at registration, and the remainder later in the semester.
Scholarships have to be secured far in advance. Students give service in return for board, room or tuition, by waiting on the tables in dormitories or student boarding clubs, working about the campus, or assisting in the buildings. New students sometimes are granted service scholarships through the office of the president in small colleges. It is looked upon as wrong for any one who can buy his way to take the chances from boys and girls who are without means, for scholarships are limited to a small proportion of the student body.
Honorary scholarships are offered by colleges to certain secondary schools to encourage honor graduates to continue their studies. They require no service in return, but the holders of them are expected to keep up to standard and contribute their best efforts to college life in whatever way they can.
Students who show proficiency in certain departments soon find chances to assist in classes and laboratories. Their reward may be in the form of extra credits, money, or glory. In any event, such assistant work is a good recommendation in securing positions, or in applying for university fellowships after graduation.
EQUIPMENT
Some college dormitories are completely furnished and equipped. In others, linen,decorations and draperies are provided by the students. Laundry facilities vary from the village wash-woman to the modern call-and-deliver system. Knowing what to expect saves delay in adjusting oneself.
A gymnasium suit is practically a uniform, and is ordered to measure when gym classes are organized. It is well to wait until one is in touch with the physical director in the purchasing of any sort of athletic clothing.
In choosing sweaters, jackets and campus headgear, the student is wise to avoid anything that resembles the official badge of athletes, awarded for distinction in sports. Likewise, he does not display sweaters, caps or uniforms in the colors of rival colleges. He avoids anything that looks like pretense or conspicuousness.
Classes usually adopt insignia to distinguish their members on the campus and in intramural contests. However brilliant their colors may be, they are in keeping with college spirit, for with many wearers they become a badge or uniform. Personal belongings depend upon the college and its surroundings, as well as upon the individual student. The more experienced a traveler is, the less luggage he carries about with him, and he has is adapted to his needs.
Good libraries and book exchanges make it possible for a student to get along without his private library. Textbooks usually may be purchased second-hand or rented from former students in a course. If there is any prejudice in regard to used books, it appears to be in their favor, to judge from the "Wanted" and "For Sale" notices posted on bulletin boards in the student halls.
Certain possessions have won a place as assets to dormitory dwellers; a small camera; a steamer rug or army blanket for comfort indoors, or to use at late autumn picnics and games; a cushion or two of dark, sturdy material; a memory book; any sort of musical instrument one can play; and equipment for sports and games the environment permits. These things are used constantly and never are in the way.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
The adaptable student finds new surroundings full of opportunities to live and learn and make good. No stranger is expected to know exactly what to do and where to go in a community he never has seen before, and he does not appear awkward except to himself. By observing others, rather than by making himself a center of attraction, the newcomer soon gets his bearings, falls in easily with local custom, and becomes a member in good standing of his chosen college.
To be inconspicuous is the prayer of the harried freshman, and finding his way about occupies his first days. After that, he begins to realize that certain attitudes on his part bring him help and information, and keep obliging upper classmen at his side as guardians and friends:
Alert interest and straightforward inquiry have taken away his bewilderment. He is eager to listen, but does not talk much unless somebody questions him, when he responds frankly and cheerfully.
He does not ask questions unless they are definite and can be answered in a few words.
He appreciates the scenes and landmarks which have grown dear to older students, and knows they will seem the same to him after their significance grows upon him. He respects customs and traditions even though he can see as yet no point to them.
He is grateful for friendly help and for pleasant company, and says so sincerely, but does not try to impose on good nature by tagging his benefactors. He is the freshman whom upper classmen remember and like from the start.
GOOD LOOKS
An attractive appearance us an asset to a successful start in college society. Good looks consist of far more than beauty of face, which is scarcely heeded when charm and distinction are present.
Carriage ranks high as a mark of the best type of college student. Slouchiness seldom is seen in those who have powers of leadership. The alert mind and active, well-poised body go with the personality of those who are prominent in college circles.
The voice, too, forms evidence for or against a newcomer. The agreeable voice, used just enough, gives an interpretation of good breeding and culture in its owner.
Clothes for the student must be conservative, sturdy and suitable. Material and line count for more than passing fashion. A conspicuous garment or a fancy creation is an enemy to the student whom it brings to notice on the campus.
To be well-groomed is the final touch that distinguishes the real gentleman and gentlewoman from those who pretend to fine manners. A few minutes a day assure hair is always brushed, clean and glossy; a wholesome, fresh skin; teeth, that gleam; hands and nails that need no apology; clothes put on securely and neatly; shoes with heels in repair, and a reasonable polish. These few things that become automatic habits are merely a duty to one's person, but they are more: they are the basis of physical attractiveness to those who must associate day after day with the student in intimate contact.
THE "SEND OFF"
It is a temptation to parents who have gone to college to accompany their children when the latter enter. If they yield to this friendly impulse, their stay should be entirely social. It is better for them to take lodgings in town and come to the campus only as visiting alumni.
In all academic matters, it is for the student to see to his own registration, interviews with faculty members and entering classes, and to take his chances unaided and on an equal basis with the others who have come to school alone.
When a mother accompanies her daughter to school, stays with her in the dormitory, helps her unpack, and then departs, she leaves the poor girl to an attack of homesickness, and her presence makes it harder for other girls who have just left their mothers for the first time.
The ideal time for the family to visit, is after the student is settled and can find his way about--- perhaps by Thanksgiving time. Then they come as honored guests to the halls, meet new friends he has made, accompany him to classes, and visit members of the faculty as the guests rather than guides of their proud young relative.
Thus they carry away the memory of an alert, capable student who is a real personage, instead of the dazed, uncertain newcomer of a few weeks before. It is more pleasant for all concerned.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Etiquette At College By Nellie Ballou
Chapter 1 Manners at College
A college student is thrown suddenly into a community very different from his home and school environment. He finds new ideas, new opportunities, new friends about him. But they must be won by his own efforts.
He has little chance to ask or wonder what to do as he faces situations that are important to his present comfort and future success. He wants to make good; to scratch his high mark on college records; to have his share of popularity. He realizes that it all depends, not upon pull or money or looks, but upon his ability to adapt himself successfully to these new conditions and to make the most of the chances that come day by day.
The boy or girl who holds an alert attitude toward college life may be sure of the best the college has to offer. Each has his own problems arising from personality and individual talents, but the routine problems of college environment are common to all students alike. They harass the wealthy young person thrown for the first time upon his own responsibility, just as they worry the boy who comes with a little roll of bills for the first semester's expenses and the rest of his way to earn.
How shall he make a good impression upon several hundred people who never heard of him before? How shall he gain friends that will last? How can he make sure of good times and popularity?
Is money for or against one? Can a student making his own expenses hope to take part in society life? What does one need to take along to college? What will the roommate be like? Should one share with Roommate one's secrets,letters, hopes and fears, or remain more or less of an unknown quantity?
There are many questions like these that are too shy for public inquiry. They come from the hearts of boys and girls who want to be popular and beloved; who want to be sought after by desirable groups of student society. What makes seemingly ordinary persons so popular when others with brilliance and ambition go neglected? What is the secret of drawing friends--the law of attraction?
Established college circles judge things on a different basis from time-honored decrees of opinion and fiction. They call good-looking many men and women who seem homely of feature. One who is considered "the real thing" may puzzle a freshman who sees in the example no hint of beauty, genius or heroic action. Customs and traditions are puzzling and handicap until one recognizes, understands and observes them.
Shall the student's parents who are old grads, accompany him and see him started in, or will their kind care react on his standing in the eyes of fellow-students who come alone? Is his southern accent apt to be an asset or a drawback? Shall he admit he plays the guitar? May he tell the college president that his uncle is a trustee and that he is descended from a Mayflower ancestor? Will it help his standing with the fraternity he covets if he drops a word about his father's resources?
What distinguishes the star athletes from those who are "nearly as good" but never make the first team? Why does the tall, graceful girl go home to cry because her name is not among the dancers chosen for the pageant? Why do they omit a certain gifted fellow from the staff of the college weekly?
Why are some girls always busy when beseiged for dates? Why do other smile upon meeting one? When girls meet boys they like, they are especially anxious to make no false moves. Is it forward to ask the boy to call? Or should they wait for the boys to take the initiative? What should one do when the boy does not take the initiative? When one is asked to pour tea for a friend in the town, what should she borrow to wear? How should she answer an invitation to bridge that came on her hostess's visiting card?
Many boys and girls hesitate to attend social affairs because of shyness when they have in them qualities which with a little care and understanding will fairly shine. What are these qualities and how can they be developed?
How is one supposed to act with a faculty member? How much should one tell in home letters? How can one control the reputation for brilliancy or stupidity that seems to spring full grown upon the campus? Why does the over-anxious student seldom make the fraternity desired? May a girl call up a man at his fraternity? What should one know about wearing fraternity pins?
How did it happen that some of the gifted students failed in the dramatic club try-out, leaving a list to be posted that surprised every one?
Why was the college paper staff suspended from publishing the weekly? What was the objection to a bit of hazing?
Why wasn't he asked again to visit the old friends of his parents? Should he feel slighted at a dinner invitation to take the place of another who could not go? Did every one know he wasn't likely to be dining any where but at the dormitory? How should he entertain a visiting alumnus? What calls is he obliged to make? How can he build up a pleasant social life in town as well as in the college? Why do so many college engagements come to grief? What distinguishes a popular man from one who is tolerated merely because another dress-suit is need at the party?
And the student's sister? Her perplexities may be smaller but they can spoil many hours. What shall she wear at the fraternity masquerade party? How can she avoid seeming a wall flower at a dance where she knows so few men? Will her partner see to it that she has a good time all evening? When she goes to a luncheon, is she supposed to keep on her hat and gloves? And how long should she stay afterward? If she is having a guest for the weekend and thinks of asking Mrs. Grayson to include the girl in her dinner party, will it be permissible?
There are scores of other questions which come up in everyday contacts. If one does not know how to meet them readily, they lead to uncomfortable half-hours or disappointing evenings, raised eyebrows and shrugged shoulders. Half of the situations in which a student is placed are perplexing because they develop suddenly and without warning at a time when he is intent upon learning new people and new customs. To put him on his guard, and to help him know the formalities and informalities of college life as it is likely to present itself, is the object of these chapters.
Chapter II -- A Good Start
Chapter 1 Manners at College
A college student is thrown suddenly into a community very different from his home and school environment. He finds new ideas, new opportunities, new friends about him. But they must be won by his own efforts.
He has little chance to ask or wonder what to do as he faces situations that are important to his present comfort and future success. He wants to make good; to scratch his high mark on college records; to have his share of popularity. He realizes that it all depends, not upon pull or money or looks, but upon his ability to adapt himself successfully to these new conditions and to make the most of the chances that come day by day.
The boy or girl who holds an alert attitude toward college life may be sure of the best the college has to offer. Each has his own problems arising from personality and individual talents, but the routine problems of college environment are common to all students alike. They harass the wealthy young person thrown for the first time upon his own responsibility, just as they worry the boy who comes with a little roll of bills for the first semester's expenses and the rest of his way to earn.
How shall he make a good impression upon several hundred people who never heard of him before? How shall he gain friends that will last? How can he make sure of good times and popularity?
Is money for or against one? Can a student making his own expenses hope to take part in society life? What does one need to take along to college? What will the roommate be like? Should one share with Roommate one's secrets,letters, hopes and fears, or remain more or less of an unknown quantity?
There are many questions like these that are too shy for public inquiry. They come from the hearts of boys and girls who want to be popular and beloved; who want to be sought after by desirable groups of student society. What makes seemingly ordinary persons so popular when others with brilliance and ambition go neglected? What is the secret of drawing friends--the law of attraction?
Established college circles judge things on a different basis from time-honored decrees of opinion and fiction. They call good-looking many men and women who seem homely of feature. One who is considered "the real thing" may puzzle a freshman who sees in the example no hint of beauty, genius or heroic action. Customs and traditions are puzzling and handicap until one recognizes, understands and observes them.
Shall the student's parents who are old grads, accompany him and see him started in, or will their kind care react on his standing in the eyes of fellow-students who come alone? Is his southern accent apt to be an asset or a drawback? Shall he admit he plays the guitar? May he tell the college president that his uncle is a trustee and that he is descended from a Mayflower ancestor? Will it help his standing with the fraternity he covets if he drops a word about his father's resources?
What distinguishes the star athletes from those who are "nearly as good" but never make the first team? Why does the tall, graceful girl go home to cry because her name is not among the dancers chosen for the pageant? Why do they omit a certain gifted fellow from the staff of the college weekly?
Why are some girls always busy when beseiged for dates? Why do other smile upon meeting one? When girls meet boys they like, they are especially anxious to make no false moves. Is it forward to ask the boy to call? Or should they wait for the boys to take the initiative? What should one do when the boy does not take the initiative? When one is asked to pour tea for a friend in the town, what should she borrow to wear? How should she answer an invitation to bridge that came on her hostess's visiting card?
Many boys and girls hesitate to attend social affairs because of shyness when they have in them qualities which with a little care and understanding will fairly shine. What are these qualities and how can they be developed?
How is one supposed to act with a faculty member? How much should one tell in home letters? How can one control the reputation for brilliancy or stupidity that seems to spring full grown upon the campus? Why does the over-anxious student seldom make the fraternity desired? May a girl call up a man at his fraternity? What should one know about wearing fraternity pins?
How did it happen that some of the gifted students failed in the dramatic club try-out, leaving a list to be posted that surprised every one?
Why was the college paper staff suspended from publishing the weekly? What was the objection to a bit of hazing?
Why wasn't he asked again to visit the old friends of his parents? Should he feel slighted at a dinner invitation to take the place of another who could not go? Did every one know he wasn't likely to be dining any where but at the dormitory? How should he entertain a visiting alumnus? What calls is he obliged to make? How can he build up a pleasant social life in town as well as in the college? Why do so many college engagements come to grief? What distinguishes a popular man from one who is tolerated merely because another dress-suit is need at the party?
And the student's sister? Her perplexities may be smaller but they can spoil many hours. What shall she wear at the fraternity masquerade party? How can she avoid seeming a wall flower at a dance where she knows so few men? Will her partner see to it that she has a good time all evening? When she goes to a luncheon, is she supposed to keep on her hat and gloves? And how long should she stay afterward? If she is having a guest for the weekend and thinks of asking Mrs. Grayson to include the girl in her dinner party, will it be permissible?
There are scores of other questions which come up in everyday contacts. If one does not know how to meet them readily, they lead to uncomfortable half-hours or disappointing evenings, raised eyebrows and shrugged shoulders. Half of the situations in which a student is placed are perplexing because they develop suddenly and without warning at a time when he is intent upon learning new people and new customs. To put him on his guard, and to help him know the formalities and informalities of college life as it is likely to present itself, is the object of these chapters.
Chapter II -- A Good Start
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Debrett's Etiquette - British Behavior P to Q
Debrett's Etiquette -- British Behavior P to Q
From Personal Space to Queuing, via Politeness, Port Etiquette, Pronounciation and Pubs, our indispensable Guide to British Behavior
Personal Space
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space
It is an undeniable fact that some people always stand too close. Even on crowded public transport, there is inescapably close and threateningly close. When someone steps over that invisible line, when you start to feel troubled, you want to step backwards away from the space-invader, and you focus less on what they are saying than on how close they are to you. The trick here is not to back away but to somehow create a whole new space turn to wave hello to someone passing, turn away to get something out of a bag, at the same time subtly putting some clear water between you and the invader.
If you suspect that you are the person that unknowingly is the space-invader, then apply the following test: if you can feel the warmth of their anxious breath upon your face, then you're standing too close.
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space. Communal living outside the family unit is at an all-time low - so that people don't even get to practice their space-sharing skills on flatmates. We are so insulated from the outside world by our iPods, mobile phones and our fear of catching an aggressive stranger's eye on the street that it is rare for anyone under the age of 40 to even acknowledge their physical environment.
Social networking sites remove us one step further from actually having to interact with people; but even that virtual personal space is being increasingly invaded - by Big Brother companies who dig out every personal details they can to establish our voting preferences, our retail profile, our ability to finance mortgage payments.
Employers now have a propensity to invade would-be employees' personal space by checking out their social networking site... unearthing every embarrassing picture, every drunken posting, which then prejudices their hiring decision. Even online, guard your privacy in the same way that you would in 'real life': apply the same judgments to making friends, or even 'catching someone's eye' as you would in the outside world.
We need to preserve our personal space, both in the real world and the virtual one, but not at the expense of any intimacy at all. So get out there and start interacting with people - just don't stand too close.
Politeness
Manners are valuable in this world because well-mannered people know how to set others at ease
It is an incontrovertible fact that you can be impeccably punctilious about all the trappings of manners - opening doors, pulling out chairs, walking on the roadside edge of pavements etc. - but still be appallingly rude. The call center employee has been well-coached in the etiquette of the cold call or the politest way of handling complaints - yet, with every meaninglessly courteous and obfuscating syllable that falls from their lips, we are driven to incontinent rage. Politeness is not a failsafe measure of manners.
Manners are valuable in this world for the simple reason that well-mannered people know how to set others around at their ease, know how to make the world feel a more civilized, friendly and calm place, and like to put others' comfort ahead of their own.
If politeness demands that dinner parties are seated boy-girl, boy-girl, good manners demands that when your guests take it into their heads to sit randomly, you just smilingly go with the flow. If being polite and opening a door for someone means that you have to wrestle your way past them in the first place, almost knocking them flying, then why not stand back, relax and with good manners acknowledge their own kindness in holding the door open for you.
Yet don't cast politeness out entirely - it is a good plank in the raft of manners and should be respected as part of the social contract we should all tacitly enter into to make our world more harmonious. In a society where behavior is becoming increasingly loud and brash, we need to preserve politeness as the vital ingredient in the cocktail of manners that makes our world a better place; somewhere where basic survival is finessed into a more subtle pleasure. So bring back the doffing of hats, bring back the polite boardroom, let's have unisex chivalry.
Politics, Discussing
Emotions frequently run high around political issues, so treat this issue with care and respect
The world would be a very bland place if no one ever argued about politics. However, emotions frequently run high around political issues, and you should therefore treat this issue with care and respect.
If you're in an environment where a stand-up, passionate political row is not desirable (an office, a dinner-party where you're being introduced to your fiancee's parents etc.), then it is probably a good idea to lay off politics altogether, or at least gauge the prevailing political climate - in these circumstances, a heartfelt consensus is bonding, dissent is likely to be damaging.
In a more knockabout environment, there is no reason not to join the fray. Just be sure that you know what you're talking about and have the facts straight before you lay into anyone. Your arguments will be much more persuasive if you keep calm, listen to other people and treat their views with respect.
Port Etiquette
Learn all about port etiquette
Port is traditionally served after pudding with the coffee course. If you are at an informal dinner party or a restaurant no ritual will be involved, but take some care at a formal dinner when you should not take a sip before the Loyal Toast.
A port decanter will be placed on the table so that you can help yourself and then pass it on. Always pass the port to the left. If the port passes you by without your glass being filled don't ask for the port, thereby making it change direction. Instead send your empty glass after the port decanter and ask for it to be filled.
Presents
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the intention of delighting the recipient
A time-honored way of showing affection, gratitude or esteem, or marking rites of passage, such as birth or marriage, the giving and receiving of presents is one of life's greatest pleasures.
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the sole intention of delighting the recipient.
A thoughtful present should be appreciated regardless of cost. The time you have taken to select it will be apparent in your choice. However, if you do not know your recipient well, certain presents have enduring appeal and will always be appreciated.
Generally speaking, the present should be appropriate to the depth of your acquaintance and to the reason behind the gesture. If possible, do some research to avoid making a basic error - the bottle of whisky to the teetotaller, or the chocolates to the dieter. Beware: present-giving is not a competition, and there is no need to go over the top. A competitive spirit undermines the action and a disproportionate show of wealth is likely to embarrass the recipient, and create a sense of reciprocal obligation.
When selecting presents for those close to you, think carefully about their tastes, hobbies, passions. Never fall into the trap of buying a present that you really want for yourself, and that you fully intend to use, borrow or adopt. Remember what you have given in the past. A repeat present suggests that you take the whole business lightly, so keep a list if your memory is poor. Try not to agonize over choice and never try to match the anticipated value of the reciprocal present. Giving and receiving are entirely separate activities, and this is not the time to weigh up the quid pro quo.
To ensure that giving is truly better than being on the receiving end, take the time to plan. A last-minute trip to the shops will leave you frazzled and spoil the experience. A present is worse than useless if it is given grudgingly.
Re-gifting is a potential minefield. Certainly, as the credit-crunch bites, recycling is to be applauded, but employ great caution. Inspect presents minutely to ensure that there are no telltale signs that they are second-hand. Then think very carefully about who gave them to you in the first place; there is a very real possibility that you will re-gift a present to the original giver, or to someone who is intimately connected with them - this is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
To receive a present graciously, always open it when the giver is with you. Always show enthusiasm and try and engage with the giver beyond a simple thank you. If appropriate, ask them pertinent questions about the present, or muse on when you will use it. Disappointment, distaste or just indifference must be hidden at all costs. For all but the most casually given gifts, a written thank you is appropriate.
Pronunciation
Follow this guide to perfect pronunciation
If someone mis-pronounces a word it is very rude to correct their pronunciation - they will feel crushed and foolish. The tactful option is to re-introduce the word that has been mispronounced into the conversation by using the correct pronunciation you will be alerting them to the mistake; they can either choose to rectify their error in future, or stick doggedly to their own version.
While everyone admires linguistic ability, you should restrain any desire to show off your skills by over-pronouncing foreign words. Generally, if foreign words are used in English conversation they are gently anglicized; guttural or phlegmatic consonants, trilled 'rs' and exaggerated glottal stops are unnecessary and obtrusive.
PS and QS
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners
Opinions differ as to the origin of the phrase, 'P's and Q's'. Some say that it was once shouted in pubs when things were getting a little rowdy, "Mind your Pints and Quarts!", these being the main measurements of drinks before the Second World War. Others say that it was an old printer's axiom; a reminder to typesetters to pay attention to the details.
Regardless of its origins, this admonition has been common in post-Victorian Britain as an abbreviation of 'to mind your manners' or, more specifically, to say both 'please' ('p's) and 'thank-you' ('thank-q's).
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners, and parents will soon weary of the mantra-like repetition of, 'Say please/thank-you!' every few minutes for the first five, ten or fifteen years of their child's existence.
In this case, the tedium of repetition is surely justified - a child who doesn't mind their ps and qs, the most basic of good manners, is being given a very poor start to life, especially in British society, where every single social transaction is eased by reiteration of these phrases.
Pubs
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers
'Few things are more pleasant than a village graced with a good church, a good priest and a good pub.' -- John Hillaby
Observe and respect the atmosphere you find in a pub. If your fellow drinkers are sitting alone or in couples quietly chatting and reading papers don't ruin the mood with loud banter or uproarious games of darts and bar billiards. Likewise, if you are in a busy town-centre pub after work on a Friday there's no point complaining about the rowdy group of office-workers letting their hair down at the table next to you.
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers. On the other hand, if a solitary drinker is lost in contemplation of their pint or crossword, respect their privacy - if they want a chat they'll make it obvious.
If a group of you are drinking together it is usual for people to take it in turns to buy a round. Don't opt out of rounds, or hang back; you shouldn't have to be asked.
Don't hog a space at the bar, blocking the way for other punters. Pubs are usually liberally supplied with chairs and tables, so try and move away from the bar when you've ordered your drink.
Be aware of 'regulars'. These are habitual customers of the pub, who might have their own favored seat, special glass, or repartee with the barmaid. The pub is their second home, so respect their prior claims.
Tipping is not necessary in a pub. However, if you feel you've received particularly notable service you may like to offer the bar staff a drink.
From Personal Space to Queuing, via Politeness, Port Etiquette, Pronounciation and Pubs, our indispensable Guide to British Behavior
Personal Space
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space
It is an undeniable fact that some people always stand too close. Even on crowded public transport, there is inescapably close and threateningly close. When someone steps over that invisible line, when you start to feel troubled, you want to step backwards away from the space-invader, and you focus less on what they are saying than on how close they are to you. The trick here is not to back away but to somehow create a whole new space turn to wave hello to someone passing, turn away to get something out of a bag, at the same time subtly putting some clear water between you and the invader.
If you suspect that you are the person that unknowingly is the space-invader, then apply the following test: if you can feel the warmth of their anxious breath upon your face, then you're standing too close.
We are becoming increasingly unused to sharing our personal space. Communal living outside the family unit is at an all-time low - so that people don't even get to practice their space-sharing skills on flatmates. We are so insulated from the outside world by our iPods, mobile phones and our fear of catching an aggressive stranger's eye on the street that it is rare for anyone under the age of 40 to even acknowledge their physical environment.
Social networking sites remove us one step further from actually having to interact with people; but even that virtual personal space is being increasingly invaded - by Big Brother companies who dig out every personal details they can to establish our voting preferences, our retail profile, our ability to finance mortgage payments.
Employers now have a propensity to invade would-be employees' personal space by checking out their social networking site... unearthing every embarrassing picture, every drunken posting, which then prejudices their hiring decision. Even online, guard your privacy in the same way that you would in 'real life': apply the same judgments to making friends, or even 'catching someone's eye' as you would in the outside world.
We need to preserve our personal space, both in the real world and the virtual one, but not at the expense of any intimacy at all. So get out there and start interacting with people - just don't stand too close.
Politeness
Manners are valuable in this world because well-mannered people know how to set others at ease
It is an incontrovertible fact that you can be impeccably punctilious about all the trappings of manners - opening doors, pulling out chairs, walking on the roadside edge of pavements etc. - but still be appallingly rude. The call center employee has been well-coached in the etiquette of the cold call or the politest way of handling complaints - yet, with every meaninglessly courteous and obfuscating syllable that falls from their lips, we are driven to incontinent rage. Politeness is not a failsafe measure of manners.
Manners are valuable in this world for the simple reason that well-mannered people know how to set others around at their ease, know how to make the world feel a more civilized, friendly and calm place, and like to put others' comfort ahead of their own.
If politeness demands that dinner parties are seated boy-girl, boy-girl, good manners demands that when your guests take it into their heads to sit randomly, you just smilingly go with the flow. If being polite and opening a door for someone means that you have to wrestle your way past them in the first place, almost knocking them flying, then why not stand back, relax and with good manners acknowledge their own kindness in holding the door open for you.
Yet don't cast politeness out entirely - it is a good plank in the raft of manners and should be respected as part of the social contract we should all tacitly enter into to make our world more harmonious. In a society where behavior is becoming increasingly loud and brash, we need to preserve politeness as the vital ingredient in the cocktail of manners that makes our world a better place; somewhere where basic survival is finessed into a more subtle pleasure. So bring back the doffing of hats, bring back the polite boardroom, let's have unisex chivalry.
Politics, Discussing
Emotions frequently run high around political issues, so treat this issue with care and respect
The world would be a very bland place if no one ever argued about politics. However, emotions frequently run high around political issues, and you should therefore treat this issue with care and respect.
If you're in an environment where a stand-up, passionate political row is not desirable (an office, a dinner-party where you're being introduced to your fiancee's parents etc.), then it is probably a good idea to lay off politics altogether, or at least gauge the prevailing political climate - in these circumstances, a heartfelt consensus is bonding, dissent is likely to be damaging.
In a more knockabout environment, there is no reason not to join the fray. Just be sure that you know what you're talking about and have the facts straight before you lay into anyone. Your arguments will be much more persuasive if you keep calm, listen to other people and treat their views with respect.
Port Etiquette
Learn all about port etiquette
Port is traditionally served after pudding with the coffee course. If you are at an informal dinner party or a restaurant no ritual will be involved, but take some care at a formal dinner when you should not take a sip before the Loyal Toast.
A port decanter will be placed on the table so that you can help yourself and then pass it on. Always pass the port to the left. If the port passes you by without your glass being filled don't ask for the port, thereby making it change direction. Instead send your empty glass after the port decanter and ask for it to be filled.
Presents
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the intention of delighting the recipient
A time-honored way of showing affection, gratitude or esteem, or marking rites of passage, such as birth or marriage, the giving and receiving of presents is one of life's greatest pleasures.
Presents should always be given in good faith and with the sole intention of delighting the recipient.
A thoughtful present should be appreciated regardless of cost. The time you have taken to select it will be apparent in your choice. However, if you do not know your recipient well, certain presents have enduring appeal and will always be appreciated.
Generally speaking, the present should be appropriate to the depth of your acquaintance and to the reason behind the gesture. If possible, do some research to avoid making a basic error - the bottle of whisky to the teetotaller, or the chocolates to the dieter. Beware: present-giving is not a competition, and there is no need to go over the top. A competitive spirit undermines the action and a disproportionate show of wealth is likely to embarrass the recipient, and create a sense of reciprocal obligation.
When selecting presents for those close to you, think carefully about their tastes, hobbies, passions. Never fall into the trap of buying a present that you really want for yourself, and that you fully intend to use, borrow or adopt. Remember what you have given in the past. A repeat present suggests that you take the whole business lightly, so keep a list if your memory is poor. Try not to agonize over choice and never try to match the anticipated value of the reciprocal present. Giving and receiving are entirely separate activities, and this is not the time to weigh up the quid pro quo.
To ensure that giving is truly better than being on the receiving end, take the time to plan. A last-minute trip to the shops will leave you frazzled and spoil the experience. A present is worse than useless if it is given grudgingly.
Re-gifting is a potential minefield. Certainly, as the credit-crunch bites, recycling is to be applauded, but employ great caution. Inspect presents minutely to ensure that there are no telltale signs that they are second-hand. Then think very carefully about who gave them to you in the first place; there is a very real possibility that you will re-gift a present to the original giver, or to someone who is intimately connected with them - this is a faux pas from which it is hard to recover.
To receive a present graciously, always open it when the giver is with you. Always show enthusiasm and try and engage with the giver beyond a simple thank you. If appropriate, ask them pertinent questions about the present, or muse on when you will use it. Disappointment, distaste or just indifference must be hidden at all costs. For all but the most casually given gifts, a written thank you is appropriate.
Pronunciation
Follow this guide to perfect pronunciation
If someone mis-pronounces a word it is very rude to correct their pronunciation - they will feel crushed and foolish. The tactful option is to re-introduce the word that has been mispronounced into the conversation by using the correct pronunciation you will be alerting them to the mistake; they can either choose to rectify their error in future, or stick doggedly to their own version.
While everyone admires linguistic ability, you should restrain any desire to show off your skills by over-pronouncing foreign words. Generally, if foreign words are used in English conversation they are gently anglicized; guttural or phlegmatic consonants, trilled 'rs' and exaggerated glottal stops are unnecessary and obtrusive.
PS and QS
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners
Opinions differ as to the origin of the phrase, 'P's and Q's'. Some say that it was once shouted in pubs when things were getting a little rowdy, "Mind your Pints and Quarts!", these being the main measurements of drinks before the Second World War. Others say that it was an old printer's axiom; a reminder to typesetters to pay attention to the details.
Regardless of its origins, this admonition has been common in post-Victorian Britain as an abbreviation of 'to mind your manners' or, more specifically, to say both 'please' ('p's) and 'thank-you' ('thank-q's).
This is inevitably a child's very first introduction to all-important manners, and parents will soon weary of the mantra-like repetition of, 'Say please/thank-you!' every few minutes for the first five, ten or fifteen years of their child's existence.
In this case, the tedium of repetition is surely justified - a child who doesn't mind their ps and qs, the most basic of good manners, is being given a very poor start to life, especially in British society, where every single social transaction is eased by reiteration of these phrases.
Pubs
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers
'Few things are more pleasant than a village graced with a good church, a good priest and a good pub.' -- John Hillaby
Observe and respect the atmosphere you find in a pub. If your fellow drinkers are sitting alone or in couples quietly chatting and reading papers don't ruin the mood with loud banter or uproarious games of darts and bar billiards. Likewise, if you are in a busy town-centre pub after work on a Friday there's no point complaining about the rowdy group of office-workers letting their hair down at the table next to you.
Pubs are very sociable places so be prepared to exchange small talk with strangers. On the other hand, if a solitary drinker is lost in contemplation of their pint or crossword, respect their privacy - if they want a chat they'll make it obvious.
If a group of you are drinking together it is usual for people to take it in turns to buy a round. Don't opt out of rounds, or hang back; you shouldn't have to be asked.
Don't hog a space at the bar, blocking the way for other punters. Pubs are usually liberally supplied with chairs and tables, so try and move away from the bar when you've ordered your drink.
Be aware of 'regulars'. These are habitual customers of the pub, who might have their own favored seat, special glass, or repartee with the barmaid. The pub is their second home, so respect their prior claims.
Tipping is not necessary in a pub. However, if you feel you've received particularly notable service you may like to offer the bar staff a drink.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Debrett's British Behavior I to O
Debretts British Behavior I to O
Informality
The days in Britain when men referred to or introduced each other by their surnames, when office hierarchies were minutely calibrated by the use of the prefix ‘Mr.’ or ‘Miss’ are long gone. Informality is the order of the day and first names are becoming the rigueur; even in professional situations, when dealing with doctors, lawyers, policemen, bank managers, informality is being adopted.
The use -- or not -- of first names still remains generational; the older you are, the more you think it natural to be Mr., Mrs., or Miss; the younger you are, the unimaginable this seems. For many older people the easy adoption of the first name is seen as offensively over-familiar.
The use of the first names is meant to imply intimacy but this has become a cheapened currency when used, for example, by waiters. “Hello-my-name-is-Terry-what-can-I-get-for-you-this-evening?” trotted out in a monotone, actively puts a distance between you and him. Don’t confuse natural courtesy with the packaged, processed wholesale adoption of over-familiarity: waiters, call centre operatives and salesmen are not aiming to be your friends, so why are they telling you their first names and calling you by yours?
In many parts of Britain you may be called by catch-all ‘affectionate’ names, which have been part of the currency of communication for many centuries. Do not be offended, this is quite normal. For example, you may be called dear, dearie, flower, love, chick, chuck, me duck, me duckie, mate, guv, son, according to your sex, age and location.
There is much to be applauded here - empty formal conventions are alienating and impede communication. But traditional failsafes are very useful when you find it difficult to judge the social climate. If in doubt, opt for formality.
Nevertheless, if you have erred on the side of informality, remember that it is better to have agreeable manners and call someone by their first name, than be rude to someone while rigidly adhering to correct form and using their surnames.
Introductions
If you are the link between people who have never met it is up to you to make the introductions.
If you are the link between people who have never met it is up to you to make the introductions. Remember the hierarchy: men should be introduced to women, juniors to elder people and higher ranks. Introduce individuals to the group first and then the group to the individual. For example, ‘Mary, this is Jim, Bob and Sue. Everyone, this is Mary.’
Unless the occasion is formal there’s no need to mention surnames. If possible, offering a little information about each person as you introduce them (‘Rupert and I were at school together’) will help to break the ice.
The traditional British greeting on introduction is ‘How do you do?’ The appropriate response - however strange it may seem -- is to reiterate the phrase ‘How do you do?’. In situations where this exchange may seem to formal, a friendly ‘Hello’ will usually do.
At an even more informal level, if someone says ‘Hi, how are you?’ or ‘Hi, how’s things?’ -- the response should be positive and upbeat: ‘Fine thanks, and you?’ or ‘Fine thanks, can’t complain’.
Invitations
There are many formal occasions in British life when ‘correct form’ is preferred.
Jokes
The British are addicted to jokes, seeing them as an effective emotional release.
Aliens landing in Britain would be bemused to find that we have a day officially devoted to jokes, April Fool’s Day. The British are addicted to jokes, seeing them as an effective emotional release; post-disaster jokes are tasteless, tactless, cynical, exploitative and often horribly funny.
But the beauty of a joke is often lost on the beholder. Jokes can wither and die in the face of incomprehension or be artificially applauded in the name of ‘politeness’: a rich man’s joke is always funny. Worse still, a joke can alienate or even cause offence, both in joke-teller (“they just don’t get my sense of humor in this country”) or in the audience, (“actually, my wife is blonde and that’s just rude.”)
As in all things, moderation is the key. Telling a joke can be a real conversation-stopper - if you’re itching to relay the rib-tickler you heard earlier, appreciate that it will be disruptive, and tell it as quickly as possible before returning to real conversation.
The second rule is to match your material to your audience: a filthy gag that had you and your friends weeping with laughter is probably not one to tell on your first day in the office. Great-Aunt Myrtle does not want to hear the latest blonde joke; that first date may not appreciate an erectile dysfunction side-splitter. Now, have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman?…
Social Kissing
Social kissing is becoming increasingly popular in Britain, but it is still a potential minefield.
Social kissing is becoming increasingly popular in Britain, but it is by no means an accepted norm, and therefore is a potential minefield.
To kiss or not to kiss? This is usually dependent on situation, age, background, profession and your relationship. As a general rule, don’t kiss people you don’t know. Don’t kiss colleagues. Do kiss close friends and dates. The key is to make your actions clear to avoid embarrassing confusion.
Usually it’s right cheek first, but prepare to change direction at the last minute. Pull back decisively (but don’t be too abrupt) if you are just giving one. Be cautious with those you are less familiar with - two might seem over the top. If confusion occurs over one-kiss-or-two, take charge and go in for a second. Humor is useful in deflecting embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Three kisses is definitely too many.
Just holding cheek against cheek feels insincere (air kissing with “mwah, mwah” side effects has become synonymous with shallow superficiality) but there is a fine line between an acceptable pack and an overly affectionate smacker.
Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; sound effects and saliva traces are to be avoided at all cost. If you’d prefer to shake hands, be sure to hold yours out before any kissing manueveres begin but, if you’re part of a group introduction, don’t be the only non-kisser at the party.
Loo
Guide to Loo Etiquette
When nature calls, either slip away quietly or excuse yourself from the group. Leave it clean, always flush and never discuss.
Generally, loo is the preferred term. ‘Ladies’ or ‘Gents’ in public venues is also widely used. ‘Lavatory’ is unambiguous, while ‘Toilet’ is the internationally recognized word, but may still raise an eyebrow in more class-conscious circles.
The British have a range of euphemisms and circumlocutions for the loo: including ‘bog’ (vulgar and masculine), ‘little girls’ room’ (embarrassingly coy), ‘powdering one’s nose’ (equally coy) and ‘pubic conveniences’ (a bureaucratic evasion). ‘Spending a penny’ is an archaic term that harks back to the days when public ‘conveniences’ were operated by a penny slot machine in the door. All of these terms are best avoided.
In some clubs, hotels, restaurants, railway stations and department stores, you will encounter a loo attendant -- always leave some small change in their tip bowl.
Members’ Clubs
How to conduct yourself as a member or a guest at members’ clubs
‘I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.’ -- Groucho Marx
If you have membership of a private club don’t ever boast about it. If you are inviting guests, be aware that they may not know what to expect and keep them informed; are ladies permitted? Is there a dress code? Accompany them into the club or meet them at the door so you can sign them in.
If you are a visitor yourself respect the club’s codes of conduct. Emulate the behavior of members, dress appropriately and don’t tip the staff.
It is generally considered a bit desperate if you ask someone to nominate you for membership of their club. It is best to wait until you are ‘invited’ to join. Remember that you will be a reflection them if they put you forward - make sure you ‘fit in’ to encourage that much coveted invitation.
Discussing Money
Discussing money and openly comparing wealth are traditionally taboo areas in British society
Discussing money, openly comparing wealth, talking about how much things cost -- these were all traditionally taboo areas in British society.
But things are changing. At dinner parties across the country, civilized people are comparing their house prices, marveling at the cost of each other’s cars and revealing their bonuses and salaries. Where once an overdraft was a dirty little secret between us and our bank manager, now we discuss our debts shamelessly. We live in the Age of Information, with transparency as the new buzzword, right down to the see-through pay packets and credit cards color-coded as to the bearer’s wealth.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten the reasons why discussing money never used to be the done thing; so let’s slow down for a minute and consider. We still live in a world of economical imbalance -- there will always be Joneses to keep up with. So is it not a better, friendlier approach to keep such inequality as under wraps as possible?
Bragging about one’s bonus is a transparent, and primitive, bid for supremacy: it just heightens the difference between your financial situation and that of the person you are talking to. Complaining about shortage of money all too soon tips into Micawber-like wheedling, guaranteed to make the people around you feel guilty.
Money is the oil that greases the wheels of society but oil is filthy sticky stuff and we should clean our hands of it before coming out in polite society.
Ostentation
Discretion about wealth and worldly successful is the order of the day
The British are said to be resentful of success and comfortable with failure. It is scarcely surprising then that ostentation was never a quality that was admired or emulated. Discretion about wealth and worldly successful was the order of the day.
This old-fashioned restraint is dwindling, and it can sometimes seem that ostentation is the guiding principle of the modern world -- the bigger the bank balance, the more flamboyant the toys, the showier the bling-bling, the more column inches. There are whole industries of publicists, PR execs, agents, managers and spokespeople who live to show off; whole rafts of the media whose sole aim in life is to report such ostentation; and whole sections of society who enjoy nothing more than reading all about the yachts, the parties, the million-dollar-necklaces.
Despite this new interest in the trappings of material wealth, there is a strong feeling in British society that ostentation is vulgar. The wealthy aristocrat, secure in his stately home and thousand of acres, who wears ancient tweeds and drives a battered land rover, is a British cliché. There is an underlying suspicion that being flash with the cash is a terrible give-away; what it reveals is that the cash is a newly-acquired novelty, not a birthright.
Over-Familiarity
Common to all is the hair-raising chill and miasma of dread that heralds the over-familiar
It’s the left hand sneaking round the back of your elbow as you shake hands. It’s the sly nod and the conspiratorial wink in conversation with others when you’ve got no idea why you are suddenly linked. It’s the ‘darling, sweetie, love’ from someone whose name you are still struggling to remember. It’s the horror of meeting someone at a dinner party who within seconds is confessing their inability to hold on to a boyfriend. Common to all is the hair-raising chill and miasma of dread that heralds the over-familiar.
Taking intimacy for granted is a sure-fire way to estrange; slapping your new boss on the back on your first day has you destined for the post-room. If familiarity breeds contempt, over-familiarity propagates pure bile. Over-familiarity often masks, at best, offputting insecurities and, far worse, a real idleness.
People who think they can go straight into Intimacy without passing Go and without slogging through all the Old Kent Roads of developing a relationship do not deserve to have a Monopoly on your friendship. After all, true friendship is not a game.
Over-Reaction
We live in an age of burgeoning over-reaction and it’s getting exhausting
It is no longer enough to win a prize in a competition and say, “Oh jolly good. Thanks awfully,”; we must scream and yell and clutch our faces in dumbfounded disbelief. It no longer carries any weight when we tut and shake our heads when queue-barged at the supermarket; we must shout and stamp. Children are no longer satisfied with a pat on the head; they must be congratulated at every turn, praised effusively for merely trying, let alone winning, and generally made to feel like gods and goddesses. We live in an age of burgeoning over-reaction and it’s getting exhausting.
Where do we go for our reactions to real achievement, real despair, real anger? Strangely, back round the circle to the smallest reaction of all: silence. Far more affecting than the wailing and weeping at Princess Diana’s death was the silence with which the crowds greeted her funeral cortege. When giving a child a present, far more touching than an overblown yell of ‘Awesome!’ is seeing the look of speechless wonder that crosses their face. You know you have fed a roomful of people well when they’re too busy eating to remember fulsome compliments and empty flattery.
Of course, over-reaction is often a mask for unworthy real feelings -- the exaggerated mugging smiles of the passed-over Oscar nominee, the ‘Wow!’ Isn’t it gorgeous!’ when your child hands you a misshapen excuse for a clay pot - and it is surely politer feign an exaggerated polite reaction than show the real negative one?
The trouble is that the currency of reaction has been terminally devalued: the more showy the fake reaction is, the more obviously counterfeit it is. React in a measured way. Avoid the empty posturing and bring back the subtler measures for which British society was once famous.
Informality
The days in Britain when men referred to or introduced each other by their surnames, when office hierarchies were minutely calibrated by the use of the prefix ‘Mr.’ or ‘Miss’ are long gone. Informality is the order of the day and first names are becoming the rigueur; even in professional situations, when dealing with doctors, lawyers, policemen, bank managers, informality is being adopted.
The use -- or not -- of first names still remains generational; the older you are, the more you think it natural to be Mr., Mrs., or Miss; the younger you are, the unimaginable this seems. For many older people the easy adoption of the first name is seen as offensively over-familiar.
The use of the first names is meant to imply intimacy but this has become a cheapened currency when used, for example, by waiters. “Hello-my-name-is-Terry-what-can-I-get-for-you-this-evening?” trotted out in a monotone, actively puts a distance between you and him. Don’t confuse natural courtesy with the packaged, processed wholesale adoption of over-familiarity: waiters, call centre operatives and salesmen are not aiming to be your friends, so why are they telling you their first names and calling you by yours?
In many parts of Britain you may be called by catch-all ‘affectionate’ names, which have been part of the currency of communication for many centuries. Do not be offended, this is quite normal. For example, you may be called dear, dearie, flower, love, chick, chuck, me duck, me duckie, mate, guv, son, according to your sex, age and location.
There is much to be applauded here - empty formal conventions are alienating and impede communication. But traditional failsafes are very useful when you find it difficult to judge the social climate. If in doubt, opt for formality.
Nevertheless, if you have erred on the side of informality, remember that it is better to have agreeable manners and call someone by their first name, than be rude to someone while rigidly adhering to correct form and using their surnames.
Introductions
If you are the link between people who have never met it is up to you to make the introductions.
If you are the link between people who have never met it is up to you to make the introductions. Remember the hierarchy: men should be introduced to women, juniors to elder people and higher ranks. Introduce individuals to the group first and then the group to the individual. For example, ‘Mary, this is Jim, Bob and Sue. Everyone, this is Mary.’
Unless the occasion is formal there’s no need to mention surnames. If possible, offering a little information about each person as you introduce them (‘Rupert and I were at school together’) will help to break the ice.
The traditional British greeting on introduction is ‘How do you do?’ The appropriate response - however strange it may seem -- is to reiterate the phrase ‘How do you do?’. In situations where this exchange may seem to formal, a friendly ‘Hello’ will usually do.
At an even more informal level, if someone says ‘Hi, how are you?’ or ‘Hi, how’s things?’ -- the response should be positive and upbeat: ‘Fine thanks, and you?’ or ‘Fine thanks, can’t complain’.
Invitations
There are many formal occasions in British life when ‘correct form’ is preferred.
Jokes
The British are addicted to jokes, seeing them as an effective emotional release.
Aliens landing in Britain would be bemused to find that we have a day officially devoted to jokes, April Fool’s Day. The British are addicted to jokes, seeing them as an effective emotional release; post-disaster jokes are tasteless, tactless, cynical, exploitative and often horribly funny.
But the beauty of a joke is often lost on the beholder. Jokes can wither and die in the face of incomprehension or be artificially applauded in the name of ‘politeness’: a rich man’s joke is always funny. Worse still, a joke can alienate or even cause offence, both in joke-teller (“they just don’t get my sense of humor in this country”) or in the audience, (“actually, my wife is blonde and that’s just rude.”)
As in all things, moderation is the key. Telling a joke can be a real conversation-stopper - if you’re itching to relay the rib-tickler you heard earlier, appreciate that it will be disruptive, and tell it as quickly as possible before returning to real conversation.
The second rule is to match your material to your audience: a filthy gag that had you and your friends weeping with laughter is probably not one to tell on your first day in the office. Great-Aunt Myrtle does not want to hear the latest blonde joke; that first date may not appreciate an erectile dysfunction side-splitter. Now, have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman?…
Social Kissing
Social kissing is becoming increasingly popular in Britain, but it is still a potential minefield.
Social kissing is becoming increasingly popular in Britain, but it is by no means an accepted norm, and therefore is a potential minefield.
To kiss or not to kiss? This is usually dependent on situation, age, background, profession and your relationship. As a general rule, don’t kiss people you don’t know. Don’t kiss colleagues. Do kiss close friends and dates. The key is to make your actions clear to avoid embarrassing confusion.
Usually it’s right cheek first, but prepare to change direction at the last minute. Pull back decisively (but don’t be too abrupt) if you are just giving one. Be cautious with those you are less familiar with - two might seem over the top. If confusion occurs over one-kiss-or-two, take charge and go in for a second. Humor is useful in deflecting embarrassment over the meet-in-the-middle mix-up. Three kisses is definitely too many.
Just holding cheek against cheek feels insincere (air kissing with “mwah, mwah” side effects has become synonymous with shallow superficiality) but there is a fine line between an acceptable pack and an overly affectionate smacker.
Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; sound effects and saliva traces are to be avoided at all cost. If you’d prefer to shake hands, be sure to hold yours out before any kissing manueveres begin but, if you’re part of a group introduction, don’t be the only non-kisser at the party.
Loo
Guide to Loo Etiquette
When nature calls, either slip away quietly or excuse yourself from the group. Leave it clean, always flush and never discuss.
Generally, loo is the preferred term. ‘Ladies’ or ‘Gents’ in public venues is also widely used. ‘Lavatory’ is unambiguous, while ‘Toilet’ is the internationally recognized word, but may still raise an eyebrow in more class-conscious circles.
The British have a range of euphemisms and circumlocutions for the loo: including ‘bog’ (vulgar and masculine), ‘little girls’ room’ (embarrassingly coy), ‘powdering one’s nose’ (equally coy) and ‘pubic conveniences’ (a bureaucratic evasion). ‘Spending a penny’ is an archaic term that harks back to the days when public ‘conveniences’ were operated by a penny slot machine in the door. All of these terms are best avoided.
In some clubs, hotels, restaurants, railway stations and department stores, you will encounter a loo attendant -- always leave some small change in their tip bowl.
Members’ Clubs
How to conduct yourself as a member or a guest at members’ clubs
‘I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.’ -- Groucho Marx
If you have membership of a private club don’t ever boast about it. If you are inviting guests, be aware that they may not know what to expect and keep them informed; are ladies permitted? Is there a dress code? Accompany them into the club or meet them at the door so you can sign them in.
If you are a visitor yourself respect the club’s codes of conduct. Emulate the behavior of members, dress appropriately and don’t tip the staff.
It is generally considered a bit desperate if you ask someone to nominate you for membership of their club. It is best to wait until you are ‘invited’ to join. Remember that you will be a reflection them if they put you forward - make sure you ‘fit in’ to encourage that much coveted invitation.
Discussing Money
Discussing money and openly comparing wealth are traditionally taboo areas in British society
Discussing money, openly comparing wealth, talking about how much things cost -- these were all traditionally taboo areas in British society.
But things are changing. At dinner parties across the country, civilized people are comparing their house prices, marveling at the cost of each other’s cars and revealing their bonuses and salaries. Where once an overdraft was a dirty little secret between us and our bank manager, now we discuss our debts shamelessly. We live in the Age of Information, with transparency as the new buzzword, right down to the see-through pay packets and credit cards color-coded as to the bearer’s wealth.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten the reasons why discussing money never used to be the done thing; so let’s slow down for a minute and consider. We still live in a world of economical imbalance -- there will always be Joneses to keep up with. So is it not a better, friendlier approach to keep such inequality as under wraps as possible?
Bragging about one’s bonus is a transparent, and primitive, bid for supremacy: it just heightens the difference between your financial situation and that of the person you are talking to. Complaining about shortage of money all too soon tips into Micawber-like wheedling, guaranteed to make the people around you feel guilty.
Money is the oil that greases the wheels of society but oil is filthy sticky stuff and we should clean our hands of it before coming out in polite society.
Ostentation
Discretion about wealth and worldly successful is the order of the day
The British are said to be resentful of success and comfortable with failure. It is scarcely surprising then that ostentation was never a quality that was admired or emulated. Discretion about wealth and worldly successful was the order of the day.
This old-fashioned restraint is dwindling, and it can sometimes seem that ostentation is the guiding principle of the modern world -- the bigger the bank balance, the more flamboyant the toys, the showier the bling-bling, the more column inches. There are whole industries of publicists, PR execs, agents, managers and spokespeople who live to show off; whole rafts of the media whose sole aim in life is to report such ostentation; and whole sections of society who enjoy nothing more than reading all about the yachts, the parties, the million-dollar-necklaces.
Despite this new interest in the trappings of material wealth, there is a strong feeling in British society that ostentation is vulgar. The wealthy aristocrat, secure in his stately home and thousand of acres, who wears ancient tweeds and drives a battered land rover, is a British cliché. There is an underlying suspicion that being flash with the cash is a terrible give-away; what it reveals is that the cash is a newly-acquired novelty, not a birthright.
Over-Familiarity
Common to all is the hair-raising chill and miasma of dread that heralds the over-familiar
It’s the left hand sneaking round the back of your elbow as you shake hands. It’s the sly nod and the conspiratorial wink in conversation with others when you’ve got no idea why you are suddenly linked. It’s the ‘darling, sweetie, love’ from someone whose name you are still struggling to remember. It’s the horror of meeting someone at a dinner party who within seconds is confessing their inability to hold on to a boyfriend. Common to all is the hair-raising chill and miasma of dread that heralds the over-familiar.
Taking intimacy for granted is a sure-fire way to estrange; slapping your new boss on the back on your first day has you destined for the post-room. If familiarity breeds contempt, over-familiarity propagates pure bile. Over-familiarity often masks, at best, offputting insecurities and, far worse, a real idleness.
People who think they can go straight into Intimacy without passing Go and without slogging through all the Old Kent Roads of developing a relationship do not deserve to have a Monopoly on your friendship. After all, true friendship is not a game.
Over-Reaction
We live in an age of burgeoning over-reaction and it’s getting exhausting
It is no longer enough to win a prize in a competition and say, “Oh jolly good. Thanks awfully,”; we must scream and yell and clutch our faces in dumbfounded disbelief. It no longer carries any weight when we tut and shake our heads when queue-barged at the supermarket; we must shout and stamp. Children are no longer satisfied with a pat on the head; they must be congratulated at every turn, praised effusively for merely trying, let alone winning, and generally made to feel like gods and goddesses. We live in an age of burgeoning over-reaction and it’s getting exhausting.
Where do we go for our reactions to real achievement, real despair, real anger? Strangely, back round the circle to the smallest reaction of all: silence. Far more affecting than the wailing and weeping at Princess Diana’s death was the silence with which the crowds greeted her funeral cortege. When giving a child a present, far more touching than an overblown yell of ‘Awesome!’ is seeing the look of speechless wonder that crosses their face. You know you have fed a roomful of people well when they’re too busy eating to remember fulsome compliments and empty flattery.
Of course, over-reaction is often a mask for unworthy real feelings -- the exaggerated mugging smiles of the passed-over Oscar nominee, the ‘Wow!’ Isn’t it gorgeous!’ when your child hands you a misshapen excuse for a clay pot - and it is surely politer feign an exaggerated polite reaction than show the real negative one?
The trouble is that the currency of reaction has been terminally devalued: the more showy the fake reaction is, the more obviously counterfeit it is. React in a measured way. Avoid the empty posturing and bring back the subtler measures for which British society was once famous.
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